Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) can happen when people become overly concerned or bothered by something about their physical appearance. It is not about being self-obsessed or vain. People with BDD usually feel ashamed about how they look. A Deaf guy, Mick opens up about his experience with BDD and reflects on how he is coming to terms with it.

Video Title: Body Dysmorphic Disorder: Mick’s Story

[Opening scene: 

“Deaf Counseling” with its logo appears on the upper right corner.

A banner appears at the bottom of the screen from the start of the video, for about three seconds, “Body Dysmorphic Disorder: Mick’s Story. Deaf Counseling Center.”

A man is seen from the waist up, sitting in front of a whiteboard. The white board has “BODY DYSMORPHIC DISORDER” in capital letters written by a black marker. He is the only person throughout the video and never moves from his spot. He is wearing a short-sleeved dark gray T-shirt with a large graphic logo in the center. The logo is outlined in white, a hollow cone with a short horizontal straight line through it on one side. He is wearing a black rectangular eyeglasses, short-cropped gray hair and neatly trimmed gray beard with no mustache. On both of his arms, he has tattoos of a flower pattern from the wrists up.]

MICK:

– Hello! My name is Mick. 

I am here to describe my experience with 

[points to the whiteboard] BODY DYSMORPHIC DISORDER, abbreviated BDD. 

What does that mean? While there is a wide range of definitions, there is one definition in common: it means one’s view of one’s own physical body, from head to toe, is viewed negatively. Not only negatively, but obsessively dissatisfied with it for a long time. Another main characteristic is seeing one’s own body differently than the actual body. 

For example, the body is actually thin when the person thinks the body is grossly fat, like 300 pounds. The mind does not separate the imagination and the actual appearance. 

It’s not only a size issue. It can be about a hair color, eye color, the nose shape—anything related to the body. It can be about the shape and face. Some folks with BDD are obsessed with the size of their fingers, thinking they’re too small or too big. Those are included in a range of BDD symptoms. 

That’s putting it in a nutshell. 

I am willing to share my experience. It was started by a trauma. While I was growing up, I was actively involved in many different sports. I’m talking about before the age of ten years. In addition to that, I loved food, and I kept eating a lot. 

My parents felt that I was eating too much. Even though I was playing sports, I was gaining weight. So, I grew up with constant lectures from my parents: “Stop eating!” “You’re fat.” “You will get fatter.” “Fat is not attractive.” Those words were instilled in me. 

I remember…When I was about 8 years old, I watched wrestling on TV. You know, these wrestlers tend to have huge muscular bodies. I remember saying to my dad, “I hope when I grow up, I will work out like the wrestlers on TV, having the same muscle size and strength as them.” My dad looked at me skeptically and said, “You’re fat. You eat too much. You won’t be like them. Plus, you’re lazy.” That made an impact on me and caused a turmoil within myself. 

From that point on, I stopped looking at myself in the mirror. The only time I looked in a mirror was when I was putting on a tie, which I couldn’t do from memory. I had to look in a mirror for that. Still, I avoided looking at my face. I kept focusing on the tie, in the chest and neck area. 

Even for shaving, I learned how to do it without a mirror. 

Back then, I didn’t have much of a beard, so it was a breeze to shave. 

In all the years since, when I walked past a mirror, I would deliberately avoid looking at it, especially in public places. 

You know, clothing stores have mirrors for trying on clothes. 

I would refuse to look at the mirrors. I detested trying on clothes in a dressing room because I knew there would be mirrors in there, and I did not want to look at myself. 

As a result, my perception became more detached from reality. Remember I mentioned how I kept up with my sports activities? I did lift weights a lot when I was younger. 

I had imagined that if I lifted weights and played sports like them, my body probably would become like the wrestlers I had seen. Then, later on, when I saw myself in the mirror, 

I was disoriented. The reflection was not what I had envisioned of myself, and I stopped working out. 

That became part of the cycle which included mania episodes when I would be sensitive with my appearance. 

Meaning, I would feel great when I worked out for a few weeks, maybe two or three months. Then, when I unexpectedly saw myself in a mirror, for instance, in a locker room or in a changing room before going into a pool or something like that. I was shocked when I saw myself. It all goes back to my overeating habit many years ago, which was rooted in the trauma from verbal abuse on top of other traumas from other situations while I was growing up. I was not becoming the person I thought I would be in a physical sense. 

Unfortunately, that was important to me because I had an expectation from watching professional athletes’ muscle-toned bodies—the football players, basketball players, and hockey players—I saw they were so fit! 

I had the impression that I was identical to them since I played sports and lifted weights like they did—but without proper nutrition. I was very confused. So, during my mania stage, 

I would be rigorously lifting weights for three months until I saw myself in the mirror, get confused, crash, and stop lifting weights for a few months. I would then slowly return to it with much effort. As you know, it’s hard to get back after a few months of inactivity. This cycle happened many times. 

As I reflect, I have a lot of wear and tear on my body because each time I went back to weight lifting, I would rush to reach the level I previously had. The amount of weight that I lifted contributed to the wear and tear. Now I am dealing with injury issues on my elbow and knee. So when I lift weights now, I have to take it easy. 

I also tried various diets, thinking it would work. All of them failed me because there was always something that’s restricted. They required eliminating certain foods. Although I was taught to eat in moderation—having a little sweet is okay, that I knew—but I was afraid that if I eat…

(a bowl of ice cream a night, I knew I would not gain weight from it)…If I overeat by eating a few slices of pizza, I would be constantly thinking that I must do cardio on that night. 

Then on that night, typically, I was already too tired from the day, and I couldn’t do the cardio workout. Exhausted, I would lay in bed worrying about the pizza I ate turning into fat and about gaining body mass at the next day. 

These thoughts would repeat nonstop. All of these thoughts would be negative. Notice that there is nothing positive in what I just said. That’s a part of Body Dysmorphic Disorder. 

There was absolutely nothing positive in my thinking on how I looked. Nothing. Now, I’ve gotten better at it. I still have a ways to go to improve, but the one drastic change that I did was to stop figuring out my workout plans, making health plans, and diet plans. These were put into a complete stop. 

I am now conscious of what to eat, what to avoid, and what to eat in moderation. 

But the change was made possible by addressing the trauma which was my experience with my father when I was eight years old. I had never told anyone about it until recently. 

A few months ago, I finally released that story out of my system. As a result, many of the symptoms, especially the negativity, went away. I lost weight immediately after that. 

I stopped overeating. My appetite—actually my urge to eat was masking the trauma—stopped. It actually ceased. 

Oh, it was a huge change! I was astounded. Once I disclosed (the trauma) out of my system, these repressed feelings… 

It was hard to get them out because my dad himself is not a bad person. My dad, for the most part, looked out for my best interest. But, when it comes to eating, he had a serious beef about it (no pun intended!). He had a beef with that. Still to this day, I don’t understand why. My dad is not obese and does not have health problems. It was just his own personal issue in that it really bothered him to see me eat a lot even though I was physically active. I really don’t know—it’s weird. It was the only thing that was related to my BDD or any kind of mental health challenges. Sometimes we will never understand. 

But the best thing to do is focus on self-improvement as much as I can. 

It’s still a daily battle. I still am conscious of eating carefully. 

I have to remind myself that it is okay to eat a little bit more. 

If I want a small slice of chocolate cake, it is okay. 

It won’t kill me or give me a lot of pounds. It’s a daily battle in my head. And if I don’t do anything active for a few days, my mood becomes irritable because my body feels like it’s regressing back to square one. I have to keep reminding myself that it usually takes longer for the body to actually regress, if you know what I mean. Regardless, my mind keeps telling me that I must burn off anything that I eat. 

These thoughts happen every day. In the few months since I revealed the experience, I’ve been looking at myself in the mirror a little more. I can barely recognize myself. 

It’s like, “Wow, that’s what I look like! Oh!” 

I hadn’t known. I am now 40 years old. All these years, from eight years old up to just before 40 years old (so that’s about 32 years!), of not really looking at myself in the mirror. 

I had no idea what I looked like. Well, I had seen a picture of myself, but my mind was detached from my own image. 

I would always say, “It’s a bad angle,” or blame the camera. 

I would make up some excuse. 

Again, it’s an ongoing issue in my head which I have to address every day. I have my own coping strategies. I have to do a lot of self-talk, giving myself positive affirmations and push away negative thoughts. As long as I keep pushing them away, the cycle does not start. I get none of that cycle. 

Thank you for the opportunity to explain my experience. Remember that Body Dysmorphic Disorder comes in a wide range of symptoms. If you feel dissatisfied with the way you look or your body, there’s always a way to get support. 

Good! Thank you. 

Scene changes to a disclaimer screen for a few seconds then it fades out to Deaf Counseling Center’s motion graphics as a video closer.

References:

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/body-dysmorphic-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20353938

Contact us: https://deafcounseling.com/contact-us/

The post Body Dysmorphic Disorder: Mick’s Story appeared first on Deaf Counseling Center.

A Story Shared by Deaf Birth Mother

TamiJo shares the heartbreak and blessings of being a Deaf birth mother of a hearing daughter who was placed in an open adoption.

Hi, my name is TamiJo – TJ. I want to share about my life as a Deaf birth mother. I’ve really enjoyed watching the different stories about adoption and adoptees, and I wondered where were stories from birth mothers – or even birth fathers, if there are any out there. I want to share my journey. It was not an easy decision, but I know that I definitely made the right decision. 

Deaf Birth Mother Chose Open Adoption

About 20 years ago, I gave birth to a daughter who is hearing and I gave her up for an open adoption. I chose the family, who were a couple who had wanted to be parents for a long time. I found them through Lutheran Social Services (LSS), who helped me find a family. I started contacting the family while I was pregnant, then I met them in person when I gave them the baby. The agreement was that we would keep in touch through email, pictures, and the occasional present. 

Grief as Deaf Birth Parent

The first year was especially tough, as I was grieving and missing my daughter. I saw her when she was six months old and then I didn’t see her for about three years. I appreciated that the adoptive family had sent pictures showing her walking and growing up during these years. When they asked me if I wanted to see her, I was thrilled. So I saw her again when was four years old. It was such a shock to see how much she had grown. I was happy to hug her and spend time talking with her. That was a wonderful visit. 

Contact with Adoptive Family

After that, contact with the family faded a bit again, although they still sent some emails and pictures, but that was all. We met again when she was eight, then it started becoming an annual thing until 2018. There were more emails and pictures, in addition to one summer visit in another state, which I can’t name due to privacy reasons. In 2018, when my daughter turned 18, she decided that she wanted to move out on her own. Of course, I was shocked, but I respected her desire to be independent.

Deaf Birth Parent Attended Daughter’s High School Graduation

I flew out to attend her high school graduation, which was such a blessing to see and an important event. Unfortunately, after this, all contact with the adoptive family came to a stop. It was heartbreaking. I don’t know why it happened. One great thing about open adoption was that I could keep in touch with the family and still be able to know about her life and background, her school, her health and so on. Her family could ask me questions and I could provide answers. That was worth it. 

Hearing and Deaf Cultural Differences

The downside, however, was that I still struggled with grief and sometimes regret. Also, the parents did not learn to sign, as I had asked them to, and this was disappointing. Another hard thing was the hearing and Deaf cultural differences. They didn’t understand my different culture and language and I didn’t always understand theirs. We were all on our own journeys. In spite of this, I am still blessed, because I know the parents did their best and they are wonderful adoptive parents. I do wish they still kept in touch with me, even though my daughter is on her own and will turn 20 in December. 

I still keep in touch with my daughter through Instagram and texts. She’s doing well. Sometimes she will ask questions and want to know more about herself, or her father, or my pregnancy, my family background, her father’s background. So, there are pros and cons about open adoption. I just wanted to share this with everyone. Thank you for watching. Take care.

Video description:  TamiJo is sitting ouside between brick walls, with a glass door behind her. She is wearing a short-sleeved top and signing her story.

Resources:

https://www.americanadoptions.com/adopt/open_adoption

https://deafcounseling.com/korean-american-deaf-adoptee-story/

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Korean-American Deaf Adoptee Shares Her Story

Kami tells her story as a Korean-American Deaf adoptee, recounting the touching moment her mother identified her out of a group of newly arrived babies. She also covers a few other adoption-related issues.

Each Adoption Experience is Different

Hi, my name is Kami and I’m a Korean-American Deaf adoptee. I was asked to share about my adoption experience. Every adoption experience is different – some are good, some are bad, some adoptees want to return to their home country. I’m blessed to have a wonderful family and great parents. I also have a sister – both of us were adopted from Korea, but we are not biologically related.

Korea Didn’t Allow Deaf Parents to Adopt

Going back to how all of this started, my parents had wanted to adopt a baby for a long time. After they connected with Catholic Charities, they saw my name and picture on a flyer. At that time, my name was Hye-Mee Park, which the Korean orphanage had given to me. Once my parents let the adoption agency know they were interested in me, the adoption process started. This involved a social worker visiting their home to make sure it was a suitable and good home, then interviewing my parents. Everything went well and they were approved. Next, more tests were run to confirm that I was Deaf, because at that time Korea didn’t allow Deaf parents to adopt hearing babies. They held the view that Deaf parents couldn’t raise hearing babies, which is obviously not true.

Korean-American Deaf Adoptee Was Mistaken for a Hearing Child

On the day of the test, I was 10 months old. It happened that I looked in the direction of a phone that rang at the same time, which caused everyone to think they had been mistaken and I was actually hearing. Remember, the technology for testing hearing was not as advanced back then. My parents were heartbroken when the agency informed them that they probably couldn’t adopt me. To their great relief, however, more tests were run and it was confirmed that I was Deaf after all. Interestingly, a blood test that I took years later showed that I carry the Connexin 26 gene, which is a Deaf gene. This means that one of my biological relatives is Deaf or carries the Deaf gene.

First Encounter with Adoptive Deaf Parents in Chicago

Anyway, on the day I flew to Chicago, my parents also flew there to meet me. Only one of them was allowed to go into the airplane, so my mother went in. She saw all the babies sitting in the airplane and tried to figure out which one was me. Her instincts told her that one particular baby must be me, because out of all the crying and distracted babies, I was the only one sitting there quietly. When she checked the name on my wristband, she discovered that she was right!

Korean Diet and US Citizenship

My parents brought me home and fed me a Korean diet for a while, so as not to upset my stomach by introducing different foods too soon. Some of the food I was fed included strawberries with rice and soy milk. When I was three years old, I became an American citizen. My parents paid $50 for this, while today it costs $700-800 to become a US citizen. Since I was too young to take the citizenship test in court, the judge asked my mother the questions instead. She answered them easily because she used to be a social studies teacher. There were questions like “Who was the first U.S. president?”, so of course, my mother aced the test, and I was pronounced a U.S. citizen.

Bullying Experience as Korean-American Deaf Person

After this, I started my education at a Deaf school. This was a tough experience for me. Back then, most of the teachers hadn’t received the right training or been given the resources to teach children. Most of my peers and teachers and staff at the school were white. My peers would make racist slant-eyed gestures and call me stupid. That was when I was between 5 –  9 years old. Of course, I would arrive home from school crying. I wondered why it was wrong to be different. I even wanted to become white and didn’t understand why I had to be born Korean. Now, in contrast, I love being Korean and my identity is strong. People are much more accepting of diversity and we have more diverse people today. Teachers have better training on how to work with children and the curriculum and resources are improved. Times are different now.

Deaf Parents Open about Adoption

While I was growing up, my parents were always very open about my adoption experience. They explained everything to me and showed me the forms that my birth mother filled out for the orphanage. Both of my parents’ full names were on them, their ages, and the reason I was given me up for adoption. My mother was 20 and my father was 21 at the time My father was 5’ 10” tall, while my mother was only 4’ 8” tall. I’m 5’4” tall, right in the middle. Both had ended their relationship before they knew my mother was pregnant. Because they felt they were too young to become parents and raise a child, and Korean culture looked down upon single mothers, they decided to give me up for adoption. It has been a blessing for me to live here in the U.S. While it would be nice to meet my birth parents one day, this isn’t something that I have an extremely strong desire to do. I’m very content with my life right now.

Politically Incorrect Signs for China, Korea, and Japan

I’d like to share a few things that I seem to run into quite often. I often see some of my friends and other people still signing “China” like this (shows two index fingers pointing to outside of eyes; two C-hands on either side of eyes), “Korea” (shows two K-hands on either side of eyes), “Japan” (shows two J-hands on either side of eyes, shakes head “no”). This is pretty offensive. Use signs such as “China” (shows index finger moving across chest and down), “Korea” (shows bent B-hand touching top and bottom of side of head), and “Japan” (shows open and closed index fingers and thumbs moving away from each other). Don’t use the old signs.

Korean-American Deaf Adoptee asked Inappropriate Questions

Second, I get this question often: People ask me, “Where were you born?” or “Are you from far away?” They assume I’m a foreigner. Some Korean people are born in the U.S. and are Americans. Not all are born in Korea.  White people don’t ask other white people where they were born. It’s important to think about how you frame your question.

Another question I get often is from straight people who are curious about gay couples having children. They ask, “How do you plan to have children?” or “Will you use IVF or IUI?”. That’s a personal question. Some gay couples feel comfortable and open about sharing this type of information. It’s okay if a close friend asks me, but it’s a different story if someone who isn’t a close friend asks. Most people wouldn’t ask a straight couple how they plan to have children or if they would use IVF/IUI. There are so many different ways to make babies. Straight couples do use IVF/IUI, but they don’t get asked that same question. Again, be conscious about how you frame that question.

Third, people often ask me if I’m from North or South Korea. If I had been born in North Korea, I would be stuck there because no one can leave unless they sneak out. If they are caught, they will be sent off to a forced labor camp. It’s really a blessing to live here. Thank you for watching!

Video description: Kami is sitting on a white sofa with a blanket over the back, and wooden shelves and a window behind her. She is wearing a black top and signing her story.

Resources:

https://deafcounseling.com/deaf-hispanic-adoptee-treeans-story/

https://deafcounseling.com/deaf-adoptee-shares-her-experience/

https://adoptionnetwork.com/what-does-it-mean-to-be-an-adoptee

The post Korean-American Deaf Adoptee: Kami’s Story appeared first on Deaf Counseling Center.

Deaf Adoptee Discovered His Hispanic Identity

Treean discusses the life-changing moment when he discovered his Hispanic cultural identity as a Deaf adoptee from Bogota, Colombia

I owe a huge, infinite amount of gratitude to one particular person. Let me explain. I will never forget that precious moment. The moment changed my life in the most profound and incredible way. Every afternoon at my Deaf school, we had after school activities from 3:00 – 5:00 pm. Activities include sports, activities, organizations, clubs and things like that. I will never forget the exact details of what happened during after school on that day. In my mind, I can still visualize everything clearly.

No Sense of Identity as Deaf Hispanic Adoptee

Remembering the scene: there was a long hall outside the cafeteria. On the left side was the science department, then the administrative offices. The hall had steps that went down and then back up again, where the boys’ and girls’ bathrooms were on either side of the hall, and an elevator on one side. The administrative and principal’s offices were on the left. I remember going down to my locker, where I kept my backpack, books, pens, etc.

That day, I had just finished with my classes and was turning the combination lock to my locker. The person came up, tapped me on my shoulder and asked me what my name was. I responded with my name, then the person asked me where I had been born. I replied, Bogota, Colombia. The person looked at me knowingly – I remember that look so well – and said to me, “You are Hispanic” (it was the late 1990’s at that time). I didn’t understand what the word “Hispanic” meant because I had no sense of my identity then, so I asked for clarification.

Deaf Hispanic Students Organization

That person then led me to the Hispanic Students Organization. My mouth fell open as I looked around the room with growing awareness and understanding. My adoptive parents, who were hearing and white, had never taught me one single thing about my culture and history while I was growing up. I thought I acted like a white person because of all the white people at my school – I thought I was just like them. Not until my sophomore year at the Deaf school did I first learn the word “Hispanic” – and my world turned upside-down. All of a sudden, I realized that I had experienced cultural deprivation, language deprivation, sleep deprivation and information deprivation. So that moment hit me like a ton of bricks – and from there, my self-esteem related to my cultural identity grew. I was immensely proud to be Hispanic, South American, Colombian and Bogotan. 

Eye-Opening Cultural Identity Moment

Joining the Hispanic Students Organization filled a huge void in my life. It was like I was starving for knowledge about my identity and culture. I was hungry to learn everything I could. Even today, however, I haven’t met my real mother. I hope one day I will. If you are a Deaf adoptee who has met your real (biological) parents, please do share your story with me.

Video: Treean is sitting against a wall with partial view of framed artwork above him. He is wearing a hat and glasses and signing his story.

Resources:

https://deafcounseling.com/deaf-adoptee-shares-her-experience/

https://adoptionnetwork.com/what-does-it-mean-to-be-an-adoptee

The post Deaf Hispanic Adoptee: Treean’s Story appeared first on Deaf Counseling Center.

Experience of a Deaf Adoptee

Cynthia opens up about being a Deaf adoptee, sharing some experiences she had that are common among adoptees.

Deaf Parents Started with Being Foster Parents

Hi, I’m Cynthia. I’ve watched the recent video series on adoption, which has featured parents who have adopted children. Now I’d like to share my story as an adoptee. I’ll start with my Deaf parents. Since they couldn’t have children themselves, they started out by applying to become foster parents for the state. They did care for one Deaf boy. Later, however, they found out that he was not eligible for adoption because it seems that the family who had originally adopted him had decided not to keep him, instead, abandoning him with the state, which didn’t have a file on him and only knew his name and birth date. Some time later, there was a Deaf girl, but the Catholic Church was required to give permission for the adoption and they denied this. The Deaf boy grew up, graduated, and left the foster home, while the girl went back to her biological family. 

Biological Mother Didn’t Sign the Parental Rights Waiver for the Deaf Adoptee

I came into my parents’ lives when I was 18 months old. When my parents were informed that they could adopt me, they were thrilled because they had wanted to adopt their own child. They soon learned, to their dismay, that only my father had signed a waiver of his parental rights, while my mother had not. Two detectives then began searching for my biological mother, Janet. Her name showed up in the police database as she had just been arrested. The detectives went to see her in jail and informed her that she needed to sign a waiver of parental rights. My mother was thrown off guard because she thought my biological father was taking care of me, while my brother had gone through a private lawyer for a placement. She refused to sign the waiver. The detectives strategized by coming to my home and taking pictures of me with my toys and dolls and other things, then they brought the pictures to show my biological mother. Most importantly, they asked her if she could communicate with me like my Deaf parents could. My biological mother paused for a moment, then went ahead and signed the papers. At that point, I was eligible to be adopted. 

The Possibility of Judge Not Approving Adoption by Deaf Parents 

Although my parents were thrilled, the lawyer cautioned them that a Deaf couple adopting a Deaf child might not go over well with a conservative judge. They had to hope for a less conservative judge to take the case. On the final day of the adoption case, they went into the courtroom and found that the judge was Chinese. The judge reviewed the file, then asked me – I was four years old at the time – some questions through the interpreter. The judge saw that I was able to answer the questions directly, which showed that there were no communication issues to be concerned about. The judge then asked my parents some questions, noted that they had stable lives, held jobs, and had a house. Seeing that there was no reason to rule against them, the judge approved the adoption. My parents were elated that the adoption was finalized!  

Time for The Deaf Adoptee Talk

When I was seven years old, I told my parents that my classmate looked just like the mother, which made me wonder why I didn’t resemble either of my parents. My mom and dad realized that it was time for The Talk. We all sat down and they told me that I was adopted. When I learned this, I was so upset that I ran out of the house, my head full of all kinds of thoughts. I remember on that day wondering what had happened, why I wasn’t wanted, and what was wrong with me. This is a typical reaction for many adoptees. When I went back inside and asked my mother why I was given away for adoption, my mother explained that my parents had been teenagers when I was born and they weren’t ready to raise a child. I replied that I had seen teen parents before and they were fine, but my mother told me that each situation was different. It took a while to process all of this information, but my upset feelings eventually subsided.   

Feeling Grounded After Meeting Biological Father

When I was a teenager though, I found myself looking around and thinking about how it was possible for a teenager to raise a child. I couldn’t imagine giving away my own child. These thoughts went through my mind for a while, then faded. When I was 35, I finally met my biological father, Bob. He and I shared the exact same personality and sense of humor. He showed me picture of Janet, my biological mother, whose face looked just like mine. What happened then was that I finally felt grounded. Up until then, I had always felt a sense of disconnect, because I didn’t know where I came from. This is another common experience of adoptees. This doesn’t mean that all of a sudden my life centered around my biological parents. My adoptive parents are the ones who raised me, made me who I am today, loved me, and all of that. My biological parents only gave me my genes. I call my adoptive parents, my parents. I gave my father’s name, Rue, to my son, who also gave the name to his daughter, so my father’s name lives on. Thank you for watching!

Video: Cynthia is outside on a windy day, with a tree and hilly view in the background. She is wearing a sleeveless top and signing.

https://adoptionnetwork.com/what-does-it-mean-to-be-an-adoptee

https://deafcounseling.com/tag/adoption/

The post Deaf Adoptee Shares Her Experience appeared first on Deaf Counseling Center.

Deaf Adoption Tips by Deaf Parents

Judy and Bob offer some helpful tips to consider before adopting a child. Deaf Adoption Tips include unconditional commitment, good network with the Deaf community, and appropriate terminology.

Bob: Hello. We will discuss adoption. My name is Bob…

Combining Children by Birth and Adoption

Judy: and I am Judy. Together, we raised two daughters, both now grown. Our first daughter was adopted, and I gave birth to our second daughter.

Unconditional Commitment

If you are thinking about adopting a child, it is important to think about what is best for the child. Can you make a full, unconditional commitment? Can you expect the unexpected? Keep in mind that with any child, you may have unexpected joy and unexpected challenges.

If you are deaf and want a deaf child, the same as you, please know that “same” is not a given. Every person is a unique individual. No child is inherently exactly the same as their parents. It is important to keep this in mind.

Tips for Appropriate Adoption Terminology

People may wonder about appropriate adoption-related vocabulary. It is important to be sensitive to, and aware of, terminology. For example, people might ask “Is that your real child?” or ask the child, “Are they your real parents?” There are other, preferred terms: adoptive child, child by birth, biological parents, biological child. These are better word choices.

Adoption Bond with Older Children versus Younger Children

People might be curious what it is like to form a bond with an older child, as opposed to forming a bond with a baby. It is a different path, certainly, and can be challenging, but it can also be very, very rewarding.

I feel very close to both of my daughters. The process and the experience of raising them was different, for a variety of reasons, including their personalities. Every person is a combination of their experience, their environment, and their genetic makeup.

Importance of Having a Network to Raise Deaf Children

It is important to have a network and a community in which to raise your child; family, friends, partners. It is also important to feel okay about and open to using professional support when needed.

Specialized Training and Experience in Deaf Adoption

I am a therapist myself, trained in clinical social work, with some specialized training and experience in adoption. I work professionally in that area as well. Thank you.

Video description: Bob (l) and Judy (r) are seated side by side in front of a wall, with a table next to Judy.

Deaf Counseling Center offers counseling services for those who may be interested in adopting Deaf children. We can be reached at info@deafcounseling.com or www.deafcounseling.com .

https://adoption.org/know-adopting-deaf-child

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Deaf Transracial and Trans-country Adoption

Edna shares her family’s experience with Deaf transracial and trans-country adoption.

Deaf transracial and trans-country adoption: Hello everyone, I’m Edna Johnston. My topic is adoption. I have four children, all of whom I adopted, including one who was conceived and born with my wife of 16 ½ years. I think adoption is a beautiful concept and the perfect solution for straight people’s mistakes. Since gay people don’t procreate – well, now they can have babies with their own DNA, but couples can’t both pass on their DNA together (video screen moves, “stop, I’m filming” – “that’s my kid”, fixes screen). Adoption is an awesome win-win – we can have children and children who need families get them. I did choose to have Deaf children and my wife, who is hearing, agreed. Things changed later though, and we ended up with two Deaf and two hearing children – two girls and two boys. It’s really nice that I wanted Deaf kids and I got what I wanted.

Do’s and Don’ts – Adoption Questions

Anyway, I think people are more open and curious about adoption today and view it positively. There are, however, still some “Do’s” and “Don’ts” when it comes to adoption. I notice that people often want to know how the adoption process works. I don’t mind sharing that information. What’s important is the intent behind the question. People ask if it is expensive, how we could afford it, why we picked this country to adopt from – this last one is probably because there are not many countries to adopt from that have Deaf children, and it’s usually the same few countries people adopt Deaf children from, so I can understand the question. Often when people ask why we chose a certain country, it’s because our children are Black. This is called transracial adoption, or adoption across race. My wife and I are white, while our children are a different race – Black – and they are also from another country, which is called transnational adoption, although I rarely use that word. I usually say transracial.

Deaf Transracial and Trans-Country Adoption – White Parents and White Privileges

I have learned so much about my children’s country through celebrating their food, culture, clothing, values, and through meeting people in the community, including Deaf people from their native country. It has been an incredibly rich experience. I have also learned a lot about myself as a white person and my white privilege. For example, I have my Deaf lens, which means as a Deaf person, I expect hearing parents to learn how to sign if they have children, no exception. If you have Deaf children, you must celebrate Deaf culture, community, values, art, history and so on. In the same way, I also have another lens as an adoptive parent. I believe that I should celebrate and acknowledge my children’s heritage in a similar way.

Reciprocal Relationship with the Black Deaf Community

There are some needs that I cannot meet as a white mom. For example, braiding hair is something that I am just not good at, so I share this activity with the Black Deaf community. It’s not a threat to me as a parent at all. The more open I am with the community, the more my kids benefit. It’s like teamwork, a reciprocal relationship. It’s similar to how in the Deaf community, Deaf and hearing parents collaborate for the children’s best interest. That’s a beautiful side of adoption.

Transracial and Trans-Country Deaf Adopted Children as Strong Beings

I have the utmost respect for children who are adopted from any other country. They are survivors, strong beings, transplants from other countries who moved here and had to learn everything about a new country, a new language – both a complex written language and sign language – new everything, including new people, new demographics that are completely different from their native country, new families. They have to learn to trust, to deal with trauma from their past, to handle people who say bad things about their being adopted, and on and on. I think they are some of the strongest people on earth.

No Need to Call Children “Adopted Children”

I ask that you own up to it when you say something by mistake. For example, someone came up to me and said, “I met your adopted kids”. My response is, “They are my children and I don’t call them my ADOPTED children – they are my kids, period.” I’m like a mama bear – if anything threatens my children, I will protect them because they are my kids. I don’t see them as my “Black kids” or my “adopted kids” or my “African kids” – they are MY kids and that’s it. This isn’t to say that I am colorblind, of course. They are my kids and carry our names. So own it if you slip up and say something that might be racist. Just check – it’s okay. Everyone is human. Own it. “How much did the adoptions cost?” is a question I detest. So is profiling, or assuming that all children who are adopted from other countries have language delays, special needs, or aren’t really Deaf but are autistic or something like that. The stigma is real.

Don’t Put So Much Importance on DNA and Genes

It’s important not to place so much importance on DNA and genes. DNA does not always guarantee that a family is close. Some families are so dysfunctional and not close at all. I’m close to my kids even though we don’t share DNA. I feel there is way too much emphasis on DNA. For example, some school activities ask students to bring in baby pictures, which doesn’t show much sensitivity to adopted children who may not have any baby pictures of themselves. It’s important to be sensitive. Overall, adoption has been a good experience. I hope you might consider adoption one day, or be open to the idea of having your own children and adopting, too, or even be less fixated on the importance of DNA and continuing your bloodline. There are so many different ways to have a family. Many thanks!

Resources:

https://deafcounseling.com/adoption-a-deaf-adoptive-parent-kyms-story/

https://deafcounseling.com/deaf-adoption-unwanted-medical-advice-story/

https://deafcounseling.com/deaf-indian-adoption-maureens-story/

https://adoption.org/know-adopting-deaf-child

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Advice for Prospective Adoptive Deaf Parents

Maureen shares her Deaf Indian adoption experience and offers two important pieces of advice for prospective adoptive parents.

Communication Access and Medical-Related Issues

Hi, I’m Maureen Behrens. I’d like to share my adoption story, focusing on communication access and medical-related issues. I adopted my daughter about 10 ½ years ago, through the Holt International Adoption Agency based in Oregon. When they told me that I had been matched with my daughter, I was elated and over the moon! My heart was pounding and so full of love at that moment. I was looking forward to it with much anticipation.

Lip-reading Instead of Sign Language

Through the adoption process, I worked closely with my social worker. The Indian agency was required to send me reports every three months, covering any issues related to medical, emotional, behavioral, social, and lipreading. The reports I received would indicate things such as weight gain, height, etc. I noticed that they always mentioned lipreading, so I asked my social worker to let them know that I wanted my daughter to learn to sign because otherwise, she would have no way to communicate with me when we met. She wouldn’t know how to tell me when she needed to go to the bathroom or if she needed a drink of water, for example. Because my speech skills are nonexistent, we’d be at loss for communication.

Foster Family Refused to Teach Sign Language

The foster family, however, refused my request and continued to teach lipreading/speech skills. I argued back and forth with them through my social worker for six months, until finally, with just one week remaining before we were to meet, we got lucky. My daughter was moved to another foster family who lived closer to the building where she could learn ASL. A woman named Ida Thomas – bless her heart – had learned ASL from a Canadian pastor who had gone to India and met her at church. It was our lucky break. Ida taught my daughter for one week, covering signs for colors, plane, chair and so on.

First Encounter Between Deaf Adoptive Parent and Deaf Indian Adopted Child

From the moment when my daughter arrived and we met each other for the very first time, we had an amazingly powerful and instant bond, connecting through our both being Deaf. Interestingly, the same social worker who had advocated on my behalf for my daughter to learn sign, was totally astonished and remarked that she had never before seen such a strong first connection between a parent and adoptive child. To my great appreciation and gratitude, we made a written agreement that from that point on, any Deaf child who was placed through that agency would learn to sign. After we flew home, my daughter continued to learn and pick up more ASL.

Medical Biases Toward Deaf Indian Child/Adoption

Secondly, related to medical issues, in one of the reports I received every three months prior to my daughter’s arrival, I had noticed in one picture that her eye looked a bit out of focus. I asked the social worker to share my concerns about my daughter’s eye, but was told by the Indian agency that everything was fine. In addition to this, the doctor had written that my daughter had “growth retardation”, which meant that she would not grow anymore. Upset, I asked the social worker what that meant, but was told it was nothing. Despite my protests, she continued to say it was nothing. To my relief, right after my daughter arrived, she had a big growth spurt. My instinct about her eye, however, was correct. After seeing a doctor and undergoing a series of tests at the California School for the Blind in Fremont, it was confirmed that she had low vision and a few other diagnoses.

Importance of Asking Questions and Trust Your Instincts

My advice to anyone who may be considering adopting in the future is be sure to ask plenty of questions. Trust your instincts and speak up if you feel something isn’t right or if you notice something. Don’t let the agency do everything without considering your input. When I mentioned my concern about communication access and stood my ground, I was eventually able to get my daughter access to signing, and the same thing was true with my concerns that were related to medical issues. Thank you for watching.

Video description: Maureen is sitting in front of a light-colored all, wearing a black top, and signing her story.

Resources:

https://deafcounseling.com/adoption-a-deaf-adoptive-parent-kyms-story/

https://adoption.org/know-adopting-deaf-child

https://deafcounseling.com/deaf-adoption-unwanted-medical-advice-story/

The post Deaf Indian Adoption: Maureen’s Story appeared first on Deaf Counseling Center.

Ron discusses dealing with a medical issue related to his son and some unwanted medical advice from the doctor.

Experience Related to the Medical Field

Ron: Hi and good afternoon, I’m Ron Symansky, a father of three adopted children through international adoptions. I’d like to share one of my experiences related to the medical field. My oldest son had a large purple/blue/green spot on the right side of his abdomen that looked like someone had slapped or hit him there, but he was actually born with it.

Mongolian Spot and Fear of Being Accused of Abuse

My wife and I were concerned that if someone at the Deaf school saw it, they might report it as abuse to social services. We decided to take our son, who was 3-years old at that time, to see a dermatologist at Children’s Hospital. We met with the doctor, with an interpreter. The doctor examined our son and identified the spot that looked like a bruise as a Mongolian spot, which is similar to a birthmark, which is often a smaller brown, tan or pink spot. When we asked how it could be treated, the doctor explained that it might be outgrown or it might remain permanently. We were satisfied with the explanation and made sure that the doctor documented the information in the records.

Unwanted Cochlear Implant Medical Advice by Doctor

Then, out of nowhere, the doctor told us that our son should get a cochlear implant. Remember, he was a dermatologist, specializing in the treatment of skin, nails, and hair issues. We were a bit taken aback and turned off that he was discussing ear/hearing issues, which was out of his area of expertise. He even had the nerve to tell me that I should get a CI. I looked at the interpreter and said that the doctor is a skin doctor, but the interpreter looked uncomfortable being in the middle of this discussion.

Medical Violation of the Hippocrates Oath

Looking back, I realize I should have reported this to the hospital, because the doctor was violating the Hippocrates Oath, which mandates that he practice within his area of specialization, which was dermatology. I was insulted that he decided he needed to fix me, an educated college professor with a master’s degree. He had some nerve to do that. I almost wish I had recommended that he get plastic surgery or Botox to fix his ugly face, but I refrained from saying anything.

Get a 2nd or 3rd Opinion if You Don’t Agree with Your Doctor

I want to let you know that doctors are not perfect. They are not God. If you don’t agree with a doctor’s opinion, get a 2nd or 3rd opinion. Do your research online to make sure you agree with the doctor’s decision, whether it’s related to dermatology, cardiology, neurology, psychiatry or anything else. Make sure you pick the right doctor. None of them are perfect. I’m sharing this story so you can learn from my experience. Video description: Ron is sitting and signing his story.

Resources:

https://deafcounseling.com/adoption-a-deaf-adoptive-parent-kyms-story/

https://adoption.org/know-adopting-deaf-child

The post Deaf Adoption: Unwanted Medical Advice Story appeared first on Deaf Counseling Center.

Adoption and the Medical Community

Hi, I’m Kym Symansky. I’m the mother of three children through international adoption. I want to share my experience with adoption, particularly with the medical community. When our children came home, I felt like they were my children, 500% mine, even though they did not come from my womb. They are children who came from my heart. Every time we went to see a new doctor, a specialist, the ER, hospital, or somewhere like that, we would have to fill out the forms with our names, address, birthdays, and so on. There would be two columns for family history, one for the mother’s medical history, another for the father’s medical history, to note things like diabetes, heart conditions, and cancer. This always seemed like a little bit of a depressing reminder that I was not biologically related to my children. I had to write down “NA” – does not apply – because I didn’t know their medical backgrounds or have any information about their birth families. We always felt sad about that.

Experience with Medical Forms

When our children grew up and became old enough to do so, we encouraged them to fill out the forms themselves. They would ask, “Do you have a family history of diabetes? Does Dad’s family have cancer?” I had to tell them that the forms were for biological medical history and those questions were not related to them. They’d look at me and be like, “oh, that’s right”. We just never think that we are not biologically related. We think of ourselves as family, period. Those medical history forms were just a constant reminder about our not being related through biology. 

Importance of Having a Good Relationship with Your Doctor

I can’t emphasize how important it is to have a good relationship with the family doctor. The family doctor I grew up with, Dr. Piron, was there for both my birth and my brother’s birth. He had taken care of my mother since she moved here from Kansas City when she was eight years old and took care of her when she gave birth as well. When I returned home after 15 years of being away for college, getting married, and living in other places, I was disappointed to find out that Dr. Piron had retired. His daughter, Dr. Kathy, had taken over the practice, so my husband and I went to see her. It was nice to keep the family connection.

Dangers of Labeling Deaf Children Too Quickly

Dr. Kathy knew that we were adopting because she had filled out forms verifying that we were in good health and capable of being parents. When we brought our first child to his first doctor’s appointment, she commented right away, “Oh, this child must have ADHD”. I couldn’t believe she had said that. Of course, my child was busy and excited, full of curiosity about this new environment and examining everything – this was totally to be expected. I told the doctor that everything was new to him – new home, new family, new food, new bed, new school, on top of many other things. So many things were new and exciting to him, of course he wanted to explore. 

Doctor’s Low Expectations

I can’t remember the doctor’s exact words about our second child, but it was probably something about ADHD again and it also made me feel resentful. With our third child, we already knew that surgery for some health issues would be needed after we brought the child home. We had signed papers and were ready for this. When we brought the child to the doctor, she commented that he was underweight and would never walk, might never be able to communicate, understand things or learn much. 

Attitude is Key

By this time, I was even more turned off by her attitude. I asked her why she had talked so negatively about all three of our children. I was so upset that I broke down in tears. I found that the doctor had had a failed adoption experience herself. It involved her wanting to adopt a baby, some controversy about payment to the birth mother, and ultimately ending with the adoption not happening. Later, she found out that two other families had also been scammed by the same birth mother, with her taking money from all three families. It ended with a court case and the doctor’s adoption efforts falling apart.

Changing Doctors

I shared my sympathies, then told her I preferred that she view my children in a positive light and act encouraging, in the same way she would with any other children. After I left the office, however, I continued to feel uncomfortable and bothered by the idea of seeing this doctor regularly through the upcoming years. We’d have to see her any time my children were sick, had a cold or cough, needed medicine or annual school physicals for sports, and other things. After considering everything and talking with my mother, I decided to cut ties with this doctor.  My parents and brother did continue to see her. 

Encounter with Former Doctor

I felt a bit upset and defensive about this, but I cut our ties and switched to our current family doctor. Everything has gone well since then. About 10 or 12 years after this happened, one of my children became sick with a high fever and we went to a walk-in clinic. By that time, Dr. Kathy had retired and was on call for different walk-in clinics. We waited for what felt like forever in the examination room, until a nurse finally came in and handed me a note. It said that Dr. Kathy felt awkward about meeting us because of the bad fallout we had in the past, and that if we preferred to see a different doctor, it would be about another 30 minute wait. I was surprised to read the note, but told the nurse to send in Dr. Kathy, as the past was in the past, and we needed medical assistance now. 

Dr. Kathy came in and it was a little awkward at first, but she went ahead and did her job, prescribing medicine for the fever and sore throat or whatever it was. At the end she commented that our child was very intelligent, communicated very well, and was so polite. I just sat there and smiled.

Video description: Kym is sitting in front of a curtain, signing her story.

Resources:

https://adoption.org/know-adopting-deaf-child

https://deafcounseling.com/recommended-films/

The post Adoption: A Deaf Adoptive Parent, Kym’s Story appeared first on Deaf Counseling Center.