Experience of a Deaf Adoptee

Cynthia opens up about being a Deaf adoptee, sharing some experiences she had that are common among adoptees.

Deaf Parents Started with Being Foster Parents

Hi, I’m Cynthia. I’ve watched the recent video series on adoption, which has featured parents who have adopted children. Now I’d like to share my story as an adoptee. I’ll start with my Deaf parents. Since they couldn’t have children themselves, they started out by applying to become foster parents for the state. They did care for one Deaf boy. Later, however, they found out that he was not eligible for adoption because it seems that the family who had originally adopted him had decided not to keep him, instead, abandoning him with the state, which didn’t have a file on him and only knew his name and birth date. Some time later, there was a Deaf girl, but the Catholic Church was required to give permission for the adoption and they denied this. The Deaf boy grew up, graduated, and left the foster home, while the girl went back to her biological family. 

Biological Mother Didn’t Sign the Parental Rights Waiver for the Deaf Adoptee

I came into my parents’ lives when I was 18 months old. When my parents were informed that they could adopt me, they were thrilled because they had wanted to adopt their own child. They soon learned, to their dismay, that only my father had signed a waiver of his parental rights, while my mother had not. Two detectives then began searching for my biological mother, Janet. Her name showed up in the police database as she had just been arrested. The detectives went to see her in jail and informed her that she needed to sign a waiver of parental rights. My mother was thrown off guard because she thought my biological father was taking care of me, while my brother had gone through a private lawyer for a placement. She refused to sign the waiver. The detectives strategized by coming to my home and taking pictures of me with my toys and dolls and other things, then they brought the pictures to show my biological mother. Most importantly, they asked her if she could communicate with me like my Deaf parents could. My biological mother paused for a moment, then went ahead and signed the papers. At that point, I was eligible to be adopted. 

The Possibility of Judge Not Approving Adoption by Deaf Parents 

Although my parents were thrilled, the lawyer cautioned them that a Deaf couple adopting a Deaf child might not go over well with a conservative judge. They had to hope for a less conservative judge to take the case. On the final day of the adoption case, they went into the courtroom and found that the judge was Chinese. The judge reviewed the file, then asked me – I was four years old at the time – some questions through the interpreter. The judge saw that I was able to answer the questions directly, which showed that there were no communication issues to be concerned about. The judge then asked my parents some questions, noted that they had stable lives, held jobs, and had a house. Seeing that there was no reason to rule against them, the judge approved the adoption. My parents were elated that the adoption was finalized!  

Time for The Deaf Adoptee Talk

When I was seven years old, I told my parents that my classmate looked just like the mother, which made me wonder why I didn’t resemble either of my parents. My mom and dad realized that it was time for The Talk. We all sat down and they told me that I was adopted. When I learned this, I was so upset that I ran out of the house, my head full of all kinds of thoughts. I remember on that day wondering what had happened, why I wasn’t wanted, and what was wrong with me. This is a typical reaction for many adoptees. When I went back inside and asked my mother why I was given away for adoption, my mother explained that my parents had been teenagers when I was born and they weren’t ready to raise a child. I replied that I had seen teen parents before and they were fine, but my mother told me that each situation was different. It took a while to process all of this information, but my upset feelings eventually subsided.   

Feeling Grounded After Meeting Biological Father

When I was a teenager though, I found myself looking around and thinking about how it was possible for a teenager to raise a child. I couldn’t imagine giving away my own child. These thoughts went through my mind for a while, then faded. When I was 35, I finally met my biological father, Bob. He and I shared the exact same personality and sense of humor. He showed me picture of Janet, my biological mother, whose face looked just like mine. What happened then was that I finally felt grounded. Up until then, I had always felt a sense of disconnect, because I didn’t know where I came from. This is another common experience of adoptees. This doesn’t mean that all of a sudden my life centered around my biological parents. My adoptive parents are the ones who raised me, made me who I am today, loved me, and all of that. My biological parents only gave me my genes. I call my adoptive parents, my parents. I gave my father’s name, Rue, to my son, who also gave the name to his daughter, so my father’s name lives on. Thank you for watching!

Video: Cynthia is outside on a windy day, with a tree and hilly view in the background. She is wearing a sleeveless top and signing.

https://adoptionnetwork.com/what-does-it-mean-to-be-an-adoptee

https://deafcounseling.com/tag/adoption/

The post Deaf Adoptee Shares Her Experience appeared first on Deaf Counseling Center.

Deaf Adoption Tips by Deaf Parents

Judy and Bob offer some helpful tips to consider before adopting a child. Deaf Adoption Tips include unconditional commitment, good network with the Deaf community, and appropriate terminology.

Bob: Hello. We will discuss adoption. My name is Bob…

Combining Children by Birth and Adoption

Judy: and I am Judy. Together, we raised two daughters, both now grown. Our first daughter was adopted, and I gave birth to our second daughter.

Unconditional Commitment

If you are thinking about adopting a child, it is important to think about what is best for the child. Can you make a full, unconditional commitment? Can you expect the unexpected? Keep in mind that with any child, you may have unexpected joy and unexpected challenges.

If you are deaf and want a deaf child, the same as you, please know that “same” is not a given. Every person is a unique individual. No child is inherently exactly the same as their parents. It is important to keep this in mind.

Tips for Appropriate Adoption Terminology

People may wonder about appropriate adoption-related vocabulary. It is important to be sensitive to, and aware of, terminology. For example, people might ask “Is that your real child?” or ask the child, “Are they your real parents?” There are other, preferred terms: adoptive child, child by birth, biological parents, biological child. These are better word choices.

Adoption Bond with Older Children versus Younger Children

People might be curious what it is like to form a bond with an older child, as opposed to forming a bond with a baby. It is a different path, certainly, and can be challenging, but it can also be very, very rewarding.

I feel very close to both of my daughters. The process and the experience of raising them was different, for a variety of reasons, including their personalities. Every person is a combination of their experience, their environment, and their genetic makeup.

Importance of Having a Network to Raise Deaf Children

It is important to have a network and a community in which to raise your child; family, friends, partners. It is also important to feel okay about and open to using professional support when needed.

Specialized Training and Experience in Deaf Adoption

I am a therapist myself, trained in clinical social work, with some specialized training and experience in adoption. I work professionally in that area as well. Thank you.

Video description: Bob (l) and Judy (r) are seated side by side in front of a wall, with a table next to Judy.

Deaf Counseling Center offers counseling services for those who may be interested in adopting Deaf children. We can be reached at info@deafcounseling.com or www.deafcounseling.com .

https://adoption.org/know-adopting-deaf-child

The post Deaf Adoption Tips from Therapist appeared first on Deaf Counseling Center.

Deaf Lesbians’ Systemic Barriers to Adoption

Ella and Judy discuss the challenges they faced as first-generation lesbian mothers dealing with systemic barriers to adoption.

Domestic Violence Led to Move

Judy: I had five children who I brought with me to Kansas from Oklahoma due to domestic violence that caused a breakdown in spiritual growth, as well as physical, emotional and verbal abuse. I moved to protect my children from this. We lived in a shelter for a long while. 

Ella: Just before she left Oklahoma, we both had met and fell in love. Because of this situation with her husband, I supported them the best I could, visiting from time to time. On each visit, I spent time with the children, and got to know them. They were quite young then, the oldest around 8 – 9 years and youngest around 2-3 years old. That was during 1983-1984.

Search for Housing Suitable for Five Children

Judy: Finding our own place with five children was next to impossible. Thanks to a friend in the Vocational Rehabilitation Division, who helped us locate a townhouse that was part of a coop. With that, we finally settled a bit.

Ella: Judy filed for divorce…and after one year, what happened?

Judge Rules in favor of Lesbian Mother

Judy: I got my (maiden) name back. I also got full custody of my children. I was thrilled! My lawyer knew that I was a lesbian and was worried that the judge’s ruling would prejudice against me. However, to our great relief, the judge ruled in my favor! 

No Child Support From Former Husband

Ella: A blessing indeed! At that hearing, the judge also ruled that Judy’s ex-husband must pay monthly child support. How much was that?

Judy: $200.

Ella: Only $200 for five children.

Full Custody Gave Mother Freedom to Take Children to Another State

Judy: When I got full custody, I could then take my children anywhere we wanted to move. 

Ella: So they all moved to California, joining me. Not one penny of the $200/monthly child support came from her ex-husband. Luckily, we both managed to find jobs and places to rent. It wasn’t easy, but we scraped by and eventually, we bought a house. The whole time, we worked together as a family. 

Blended Family Means Multiple Relationships

Oh, one important point, before Judy and the children moved here, I told several people about falling in love with her and that she had five children. One friend told me that since Judy had five children, I am not having a relationship with only one person but with six people altogether. That hit me hard. It is not right to focus on Judy alone and ignore the children. All the children were as important as Judy and need to be seen as a part of my relationship with Judy (Family picture showing Ella and Judy at top left, with four boys and one girl, all smiling). 

Without Adoption, Unrecognized Status as Nonbiological and Non-adoptive Mother

Judy and I shared finances and childcare, but problems existed because of my unrecognized status. Even though my insurance covered all of the children, to ensure they would be taken care of, I had no rights when it came to the children. For example (turns to Judy), do you want to share this incident?

Unable to Make Decision during Medical Emergency without Adoption

Judy: One time I flew to North Carolina for something job-related. That night I arrived, as I was getting ready for the first day of work, someone pressed the light flasher at the door. I opened the door and was told that there was an emergency at home. My son had an infected appendix, necessitating surgery, and I had to fly home before I could start my work there.

Ella: The reason for this was…even though my insurance covered that boy and along with the fact that he lived with me – when the hospital found out that I wasn’t his legal mother, they kicked me out. I explained to them that his mother was in NC for work for the weekend, but they just went “sorry” and made the boy wait for Judy’s appearance and permission before they could operate on him. I had no choice but to call her in North Carolina and tell her to fly back home. At that point, it was very clear that I had zero legal relationship to the children. 

Barriers to Adoption When Children Under 18 Years of Age

Judy: That’s what started us thinking about adoption. We did our homework, researched how adoption would work in our case, what would be expected of us, what our house would need to be like, what the requirements would be, and so on. We learned that it would be extremely expensive.

Ella: That’s right, because they were under 18 years of age, plus we were two women. Back in 1983, that was a big deal – although nowadays it can be challenging, it’s much easier – However, back then, it was much harder. So figuring out what would work best was a struggle. Also, since the children’s father was still alive, he could use his privileged status to block any adoption effort on our part. If Judy died, the children would go back to their father instead of staying with me. It was a complicated situation. But, out of the blue, things took a turn….what happened?

Death of Ex-Husband Makes Adoption Easier

Judy: My ex-husband died.

Ella: Our youngest was 12 at that time.

Judy: I was now free to marry again. I could share my children with Ella. She had been fully involved in raising my children and I felt it was not right to limit her. I wanted to share my children with her because I loved, respected and truly appreciated her hard work and the fact that she accepted the children as her own and took on the responsibility of caring for them. She deserved to be recognized as a good mother.

Adoption of Two Oldest Children

Ella: Two things: yes, it would mean the world to me to be recognized as the children’s legal mother…and also, there was the issue of what would happen if Judy died – where would the children go? Even though they had lived with us – with me – all those years, if Judy were to die, they would be taken away from me immediately and probably become wards of the state. That was a terrifying thought. However, adoption was expensive and there was great bias in the system. 

Importance of LGBT-Friendly Lawyer for Adoption Process

The year when our youngest was 12, the two oldest were 18 and 19, we found a good lawyer who was a lesbian herself and specialized in handling lesbian and gay adoptions, and met with her. She told us that adopting the two oldest children would be easy because they were adults, and could consent to the adoptions on their own. Adopting the younger children was more complicated because it would involve home study, transfers, and other things. 

When I asked the two older children if they wanted me to adopt them, they both responded with an enthusiastic “yes!”. It was a heartwarming moment. With the lawyer’s help, we filed for the adoptions and everything went smoothly. It was such a special and breathtaking feeling at the moment when the adoptions were finalized. We felt even more connected. For the younger three children, though, we decided to wait until our financial and home situation was better. However, after that, life went on, and lots of things happened throughout the years. We were very fortunate that nothing very serious happened though, and that we all stayed together. The adoption idea for the three younger children was put on the back burner.  

Adoption of Remaining Three Children

We became grandparents, and life went on…until our daughter developed some health issues and had to check about applying for social security benefits. She learned she could not get her father’s social security due to his debt. She wondered if she could apply under my social security. “That would be fine” I said, “Sure, we could look into that.” However, in order to do this, we needed proof that she was my daughter. That’s when we realized that we should revisit adopting the three younger children.

Judy: Yes, right. We discussed with the three older children –

3/3 Ella: – the three younger children.

Judy: They were all over 18 by then.

Ella: Oh, ok. 

Judy: … and they all said “why not?” to the adoption idea. So, we went ahead…and then what happened?

Through Adoption, A Fully Recognized and Legal Family at Last

Ella: We contacted that same lawyer who helped us with the two older children. To help us save money, she gave us tips on how to properly prepare forms to submit to the court. Everything worked out and a court date was scheduled. How many people came with us to court that day?

Judy: We had a full line-up of people – some grandchildren came, even our nephew, Tim. We all went to court, the whole family was there to celebrate, and even Ella’s mother went.

Ella: It was really nice and touching. The judge, who was a man, went through everyone’s names and other details, then asked each child if they agreed to the adoption. When our third child said “Yes, I do agree”, my heart melted. After that, our fourth and fifth children gave their consent. The judge turned to me and asked me if I wanted to adopt all of them and be their mother. I replied, “of course”. The judge pounded his gavel and proudly announced that the adoptions were finalized. Judy and I looked at each other, beaming. We were now a fully recognized and legal family, bound not only by love, but by law, too. That was a powerful feeling (picture of Ella standing in the courtroom with three adult children and judge, all smiling, with their arms around each other). The beaming judge said he thought we had a beautiful story, which meant a lot to us. It was nice to see people’s attitudes slowly changing throughout the years, from strong resistance and negativity to full acceptance and support.

First-Generation Deaf Lesbian Mothers

Judy: I think it’s important to note two things. First, when we moved here, we were pioneers. There were hardly any Deaf lesbians who had children in California. There were quite a few hearing lesbians with children, but no Deaf ones that we knew of that time. If we had problems and needed help, there was hardly anybody for us to turn to. It was tough and we felt alone – 

Ella: Our support system was quite nonexistent. 

Prior Experience with Stepmother Role Critical

Judy: – it was awful. Ella’s side of the family had a hard time accepting me. We suffered through it. Second, I think Ella was very lucky that I had experience being a stepmother to two children from my first marriage, the person who died. I took on raising my ex-husband’s two children and learned how to be a stepmother. Now, when Ella was one to my children, I knew how important it was to support her.

Ella: She was very good.

Co-Parenting as a Team

Judy: When there were conflicts with the children, it was hard, but it was important for us to stand strong together, and for the children to see me, their mother, in alliance with Ella. It was also important that we discussed any conflicts between the two of us in private – 

Ella: It wasn’t easy, but…

Judy: – discuss until we came to an agreement, then come out and talk with the children. The children always knew we worked together, always. That was an important lesson. 

Ella: Yes. That’s our story (picture of Ella and Judy in front, with all five adult children standing behind them, smiling, with orange leaves on the trees in background).

Video description: Judy (l) and Ella (r) are seated on a sofa with a few plants behind them. Both are wearing short-sleeved shirts, glasses, and signing their story.

Resources:

https://deafcounseling.com/adoption-a-deaf-adoptive-parent-kyms-story/

https://deafcounseling.com/deaf-adoption-unwanted-medical-advice-story/

https://deafcounseling.com/deaf-indian-adoption-maureens-story/

https://deafcounseling.com/deaf-transracial-and-trans-country-adoption/

https://awaa.org/blog/adopting-a-deaf-child-meet-levi/

The post Adoption Barriers Faced by Deaf Lesbians appeared first on Deaf Counseling Center.

Deaf Transracial and Trans-country Adoption

Edna shares her family’s experience with Deaf transracial and trans-country adoption.

Deaf transracial and trans-country adoption: Hello everyone, I’m Edna Johnston. My topic is adoption. I have four children, all of whom I adopted, including one who was conceived and born with my wife of 16 ½ years. I think adoption is a beautiful concept and the perfect solution for straight people’s mistakes. Since gay people don’t procreate – well, now they can have babies with their own DNA, but couples can’t both pass on their DNA together (video screen moves, “stop, I’m filming” – “that’s my kid”, fixes screen). Adoption is an awesome win-win – we can have children and children who need families get them. I did choose to have Deaf children and my wife, who is hearing, agreed. Things changed later though, and we ended up with two Deaf and two hearing children – two girls and two boys. It’s really nice that I wanted Deaf kids and I got what I wanted.

Do’s and Don’ts – Adoption Questions

Anyway, I think people are more open and curious about adoption today and view it positively. There are, however, still some “Do’s” and “Don’ts” when it comes to adoption. I notice that people often want to know how the adoption process works. I don’t mind sharing that information. What’s important is the intent behind the question. People ask if it is expensive, how we could afford it, why we picked this country to adopt from – this last one is probably because there are not many countries to adopt from that have Deaf children, and it’s usually the same few countries people adopt Deaf children from, so I can understand the question. Often when people ask why we chose a certain country, it’s because our children are Black. This is called transracial adoption, or adoption across race. My wife and I are white, while our children are a different race – Black – and they are also from another country, which is called transnational adoption, although I rarely use that word. I usually say transracial.

Deaf Transracial and Trans-Country Adoption – White Parents and White Privileges

I have learned so much about my children’s country through celebrating their food, culture, clothing, values, and through meeting people in the community, including Deaf people from their native country. It has been an incredibly rich experience. I have also learned a lot about myself as a white person and my white privilege. For example, I have my Deaf lens, which means as a Deaf person, I expect hearing parents to learn how to sign if they have children, no exception. If you have Deaf children, you must celebrate Deaf culture, community, values, art, history and so on. In the same way, I also have another lens as an adoptive parent. I believe that I should celebrate and acknowledge my children’s heritage in a similar way.

Reciprocal Relationship with the Black Deaf Community

There are some needs that I cannot meet as a white mom. For example, braiding hair is something that I am just not good at, so I share this activity with the Black Deaf community. It’s not a threat to me as a parent at all. The more open I am with the community, the more my kids benefit. It’s like teamwork, a reciprocal relationship. It’s similar to how in the Deaf community, Deaf and hearing parents collaborate for the children’s best interest. That’s a beautiful side of adoption.

Transracial and Trans-Country Deaf Adopted Children as Strong Beings

I have the utmost respect for children who are adopted from any other country. They are survivors, strong beings, transplants from other countries who moved here and had to learn everything about a new country, a new language – both a complex written language and sign language – new everything, including new people, new demographics that are completely different from their native country, new families. They have to learn to trust, to deal with trauma from their past, to handle people who say bad things about their being adopted, and on and on. I think they are some of the strongest people on earth.

No Need to Call Children “Adopted Children”

I ask that you own up to it when you say something by mistake. For example, someone came up to me and said, “I met your adopted kids”. My response is, “They are my children and I don’t call them my ADOPTED children – they are my kids, period.” I’m like a mama bear – if anything threatens my children, I will protect them because they are my kids. I don’t see them as my “Black kids” or my “adopted kids” or my “African kids” – they are MY kids and that’s it. This isn’t to say that I am colorblind, of course. They are my kids and carry our names. So own it if you slip up and say something that might be racist. Just check – it’s okay. Everyone is human. Own it. “How much did the adoptions cost?” is a question I detest. So is profiling, or assuming that all children who are adopted from other countries have language delays, special needs, or aren’t really Deaf but are autistic or something like that. The stigma is real.

Don’t Put So Much Importance on DNA and Genes

It’s important not to place so much importance on DNA and genes. DNA does not always guarantee that a family is close. Some families are so dysfunctional and not close at all. I’m close to my kids even though we don’t share DNA. I feel there is way too much emphasis on DNA. For example, some school activities ask students to bring in baby pictures, which doesn’t show much sensitivity to adopted children who may not have any baby pictures of themselves. It’s important to be sensitive. Overall, adoption has been a good experience. I hope you might consider adoption one day, or be open to the idea of having your own children and adopting, too, or even be less fixated on the importance of DNA and continuing your bloodline. There are so many different ways to have a family. Many thanks!

Resources:

https://deafcounseling.com/adoption-a-deaf-adoptive-parent-kyms-story/

https://deafcounseling.com/deaf-adoption-unwanted-medical-advice-story/

https://deafcounseling.com/deaf-indian-adoption-maureens-story/

https://adoption.org/know-adopting-deaf-child

The post Deaf Transracial and Trans-Country Adoption appeared first on Deaf Counseling Center.

Advice for Prospective Adoptive Deaf Parents

Maureen shares her Deaf Indian adoption experience and offers two important pieces of advice for prospective adoptive parents.

Communication Access and Medical-Related Issues

Hi, I’m Maureen Behrens. I’d like to share my adoption story, focusing on communication access and medical-related issues. I adopted my daughter about 10 ½ years ago, through the Holt International Adoption Agency based in Oregon. When they told me that I had been matched with my daughter, I was elated and over the moon! My heart was pounding and so full of love at that moment. I was looking forward to it with much anticipation.

Lip-reading Instead of Sign Language

Through the adoption process, I worked closely with my social worker. The Indian agency was required to send me reports every three months, covering any issues related to medical, emotional, behavioral, social, and lipreading. The reports I received would indicate things such as weight gain, height, etc. I noticed that they always mentioned lipreading, so I asked my social worker to let them know that I wanted my daughter to learn to sign because otherwise, she would have no way to communicate with me when we met. She wouldn’t know how to tell me when she needed to go to the bathroom or if she needed a drink of water, for example. Because my speech skills are nonexistent, we’d be at loss for communication.

Foster Family Refused to Teach Sign Language

The foster family, however, refused my request and continued to teach lipreading/speech skills. I argued back and forth with them through my social worker for six months, until finally, with just one week remaining before we were to meet, we got lucky. My daughter was moved to another foster family who lived closer to the building where she could learn ASL. A woman named Ida Thomas – bless her heart – had learned ASL from a Canadian pastor who had gone to India and met her at church. It was our lucky break. Ida taught my daughter for one week, covering signs for colors, plane, chair and so on.

First Encounter Between Deaf Adoptive Parent and Deaf Indian Adopted Child

From the moment when my daughter arrived and we met each other for the very first time, we had an amazingly powerful and instant bond, connecting through our both being Deaf. Interestingly, the same social worker who had advocated on my behalf for my daughter to learn sign, was totally astonished and remarked that she had never before seen such a strong first connection between a parent and adoptive child. To my great appreciation and gratitude, we made a written agreement that from that point on, any Deaf child who was placed through that agency would learn to sign. After we flew home, my daughter continued to learn and pick up more ASL.

Medical Biases Toward Deaf Indian Child/Adoption

Secondly, related to medical issues, in one of the reports I received every three months prior to my daughter’s arrival, I had noticed in one picture that her eye looked a bit out of focus. I asked the social worker to share my concerns about my daughter’s eye, but was told by the Indian agency that everything was fine. In addition to this, the doctor had written that my daughter had “growth retardation”, which meant that she would not grow anymore. Upset, I asked the social worker what that meant, but was told it was nothing. Despite my protests, she continued to say it was nothing. To my relief, right after my daughter arrived, she had a big growth spurt. My instinct about her eye, however, was correct. After seeing a doctor and undergoing a series of tests at the California School for the Blind in Fremont, it was confirmed that she had low vision and a few other diagnoses.

Importance of Asking Questions and Trust Your Instincts

My advice to anyone who may be considering adopting in the future is be sure to ask plenty of questions. Trust your instincts and speak up if you feel something isn’t right or if you notice something. Don’t let the agency do everything without considering your input. When I mentioned my concern about communication access and stood my ground, I was eventually able to get my daughter access to signing, and the same thing was true with my concerns that were related to medical issues. Thank you for watching.

Video description: Maureen is sitting in front of a light-colored all, wearing a black top, and signing her story.

Resources:

https://deafcounseling.com/adoption-a-deaf-adoptive-parent-kyms-story/

https://adoption.org/know-adopting-deaf-child

https://deafcounseling.com/deaf-adoption-unwanted-medical-advice-story/

The post Deaf Indian Adoption: Maureen’s Story appeared first on Deaf Counseling Center.

Complicated Grief after Murder of Deaf Young Man

Deaf Counseling Center’s Dr. Candace McCullough and Sharon Duchesneau share some thoughts on the complicated nature of grief after murder of Grant Whitaker by Mavrick Martin Fisher and offer support to the national Deaf community in the form of pro bono counseling sessions to those who may be directly impacted by the situation, yet lack insurance to access therapy.

Candace: Sharon and I would like to share some thoughts after this past week’s news about Grant Whitaker’s alleged murder by Mavrick Martin Fisher.

Different Grief Process

Sharon: The grief process following a death by murder is very different and more complicated than that of a death by natural causes such as a heart attack or illness.

Anger as Normal Reaction

Candace: This is because the death is caused by another person, and not simply a natural cause. Anger is a normal reaction and it is okay to feel angry. To add to the complexity, many people in the Deaf community may know one or both of the people involved. For example, we know Grant, with whom we traveled to China on a Deaf school trip with our daughter, and we all have memories of a wonderful time with him. We also know Mav, whom we met with his dad at a national Deaf Academic Bowl reception back when he was young. I’m sure that many people are impacted by this situation, including teachers, friends, and family members. The fact that Mav was well-known on a national basis for his vlogs in which he shared his dreams with the community makes this hit even closer to home for many people.

Danger of Assumptions

Sharon: The public nature of this situation adds to the complexity of grief in the community. People have been sharing their opinions, perspectives, stories, and assumptions online – and these can be difficult for family members and friends of the men to see. None of us have all the information about exactly what happened and the history behind this. Some people have shared concerns that the Deaf community should have been able to prevent this from happening somehow. Again, we can’t assume anything. It’s possible that help was offered or that Mav sought help in the past. We just don’t know, so it’s important that we be mindful of what we say in public, especially online.

Duty of Confidentiality of Professionals

Candace: It’s also interesting that if Mav did get help, those professionals are not able to say so, due to confidentiality reasons.

Sharon: I think when discussing this – of course, it’s important for us as a Deaf community to discuss how we can support people who may be dealing with difficult situations. When we say that no one helped him, however, we may be indirectly placing blame on people close to him, such as family, friends, teachers and others who were close to him and knew him well. We can’t assume they did nothing. Maybe they didn’t or maybe they did.

Deaf Mental Health Stigma

Candace: Also, it’s important to address stigma related to mental health, which is likely to be a factor here, but again, we don’t know the full story. In general, only a very, very small percentage of people dealing with mental illnesses commit crimes like murder. The majority of these people are fine and harmless – we don’t want to see the stigma about people with mental illness being blown out of proportion and spreading unnecessary fear. Let’s be careful about this.

National Legal System and Deaf People

Sharon: Yes, that’s right. Another issue that is coming up here relates to the national legal system. Now we have an alleged murder, which means we are looking at issues related to the court process, a trial, lawyers, interpreting access, fairness, individual rights – all of which are triggers for our Deaf community.

Candace: I think that Deaf people as a whole already have a difficult experience with trying navigate the legal system.

Sharon: Yes, that’s something to keep in mind with the many layers of complexity in this situation, in particular, while we are waiting for answers and things are still unknown. This makes people feel sensitive. It’s a difficult thing.

Pro Bono Deaf Counseling and Therapy Services

Candace: We’d like to offer free counseling/therapy to anyone who is directly impacted by this situation, but who may not have insurance to access counseling/therapy. Please feel free to contact us and we can discuss how we can provide support through the grief process.

Sharon: Thank you.

Candace: Good bye.

(video description: Sharon and Candace, Deaf therapists, (l-r) are seated on a sofa, signing their comments.) Deaf Counseling Center offers national Deaf therapy services.

References:

https://www.facebook.com/TheDailyMoth/videos/2205459446424784/

https://www.facebook.com/TheDailyMoth/videos/492864761281393/?v=492864761281393

https://www.facebook.com/TheDailyMoth/videos/live-mavrick-fisher-in-custody-in-mexico-for-suspected-murder-of-grant-whitakerl/293300168202592/

https://www.mercurynews.com/2019/08/27/missing-mendocino-camper-body-found-companion-arrested-in-mexico/

https://www.justice.gov/sites/default/files/usao-dc/legacy/2013/08/07/coping_after_homicide.pdf

https://victimconnect.org/learn/types-of-crime/homicide-and-grief/

https://deafcounseling.com/recommended-films/ Films on Grief/Loss

The post Grief After a Murder of Grant Whitaker appeared first on Deaf Counseling Center.

Videophone and Internet-based Counseling: Who Benefits? One more video from our archives, this one from 2007, featuring Sharon introducing the concept of online/virtual/videophone counseling. It’s hard to believe 16 years have flown by since we brought online counseling sessions to the Deaf community for the first time in 2003. Thanks to Sorenson for distributing the first videophones to the Deaf community, which made this possible.

Transcript: For some time now, people have been asking if it’s possible to use the videophone (VP) or virtual for psychological services. We’ve been using this new modality of counseling for a while here at ASC. When most people think of counseling, they envision the counselor and client sitting down together in the same room. Videophone or internet-based counseling is different. It’s actually not a new idea though. Starting in the 1950’s, the military used telehealth technology to provide counseling services to remote bases where there were no counselors available. So, the idea of telehealth counseling is not new, but it is somewhat new in the Deaf community. We’re seeing it slowly being made more available. My experience with videophone counseling has been very positive. It’s a nice option for many people.

One example is people who live far away, or in another state where there are no good Deaf services available, can benefit from videophone counseling. Second, other people may live far away, but prefer not to see their local Deaf counselor because they already know the counselor or don’t feel comfortable with that counselor or they just prefer to work with someone outside their community. Virtual counseling is a nice option. A third example is people who can’t drive or who don’t have a car, who may be sick or too weak to travel, or who can’t afford to buy gas. They can also benefit from videophone access to counseling. Fourth, people who may feel anxious or uncomfortable about going into a counselor’s office, but who do want to start counseling, can do online sessions to start with, then perhaps go to the office for sessions. Finally, many people are very busy these days and find it hard to fit an appointment into their schedules, due to time conflicts or wanting to spend evenings with their families. They can set up videophone counseling sessions during their lunch or break times at work.

There are some differences between in-office counseling sessions and VP or online sessions. In the former, the counselor can see the client’s full body, how they walk, if they are limping, if they have vision issues or a limited range of vision. Body language is obvious. With VP counseling, it’s possible for the counselor to overlook or not realize some things. A client might have Usher Syndrome, for instance, but see well enough to communciate easily via VP, and never share this with the counselor. Someone might have difficulty walking, but it’s not apparent to the counselor through the VP. That’s why it’s especially important to share information with the counselor.

Overall, I’ve found VP counseling to be such a nice option. It’s perfect for people who have no local options for in-office counseling sessions. Thank you.

(video description: Sharon is sitting in an armchair and signing.)

Resources:

https://www.verywellhealth.com/mental-health-services-deaf-1046719

https://deafcounseling.com/understanding-deaf-people-in-counseling-contexts/

The post Does Virtual/Online Counseling Work? 2007 appeared first on Deaf Counseling Center.

Feeling nostalgic after reviewing our archives. Here’s a throwback video by our (much younger!) Sharon, sharing thoughts about a new sign for “counseling”, 13 years ago in 2006. We are happy to see that use of this new sign that we suggested has slowly spread over the years, and more people have opted to use this sign over the traditional power-imbalanced one. Deaf Counseling Center has always believed that our counselors and clients are equal as humans, and just happen to be sitting in different chairs. The open hands sign for counseling reflects this perfectly!

Transcript: Hi, I’m Sharon Duchesneau. I want to discuss language today. Language, words, and signs sometimes have deeper meanings within them, including those that can demonstrate power. I think it is important to take a look at this. For example, both the English words “fireman” and “policeman” contain “man”, which focuses on men and suggests that men in those professions are more important. When this was recognized a while ago, we started using the words “firefighter” and “police officer” instead. Luckily for us, some ASL signs don’t always acknowledge any gender. The sign for “police” (shows C-handshape over heart), for example, is missing a gender marker, as is the sign for “firefighter” (shows B-handshape moving on forehead). That makes it nice, but some ASL signs do show power imbalance.

After traveling to different countries such as Australia, Germany, and New Zealand, I noticed one particular sign (shows sign – both palms up, and hands moving forward and backward alternately), which is the sign for “counseling”. I like this sign! The reason I like it is because it shows the dynamics of two people talking, relating with each other, and establishing a two-way rapport. This contrasts with the traditional sign for “counseling”, which suggests a one-way direction, with the counselor constantly giving advice, and everything directed and focused on fixing the client. In my work with different people – families, children and individuals – I always feel like I get something out of these relationships as well, and the new sign for “counseling” reflects this. Another sign for “therapy” (shows T-handshape on open palm) suggests “helping” the client, which again conveys the idea of the relationship being one-way. The three traditional signs for “counseling”, “help”, and “therapy” don’t quite show the more balanced rapport that the new sign for “counseling” does.

Even though I’m not a linguist, when I think about the origins of the traditional signs for “counseling” and “therapy”, I imagine that years ago, the people who first worked in the mental health field with Deaf people were hearing professionals, who viewed their work as “helping”, and who came up with the traditional sign for “counseling” which includes the concept of helping Deaf people. I’m just guessing here. I do wonder if now is the time for us to consider tossing out the old signs for “counseling” and “therapy” and replace them with the new sign. What do you think? Thank you.

(video description: Sharon is sitting in an armchair and signing. A plant and French door are behind her.)

Resources:

https://www.signingsavvy.com/sign/THERAPY/707/1 Old therapy signs

The post Rethinking the ASL Therapy Sign (2006) appeared first on Deaf Counseling Center.

Hi, my name is Sandy Graham. I’m from Michigan. My son was shot when he was only 14 years old, back in 1997. He would have been 36 years old today. His name is Saleh (shows name-sign “S” shaking from side to side). What happened was that a boy named John, who was almost 16 years old, found his father’s hand gun in his parents’ bedroom closet. John’s father was a retired police officer and had three hand guns in his closet. There was no lock. John thought that it would be cool to show the gun to his friends, so he invited three friends into his car. My son was sitting in the front and the other two boys were in the back. John asked the three boys to play the Russian roulette game. He first put a bullet in the gun, then removed it. He thought the gun was empty, but there was actually one bullet already inside. He pulled the trigger and killed my son. The two boys in the back were okay.

This hit me so hard and broke my heart. He was such a young boy – he was gone already and would never come back. It was heartbreaking. It was suggested that I go to a grief support group, but I didn’t feel comfortable with that group. One of my close friends, who is hearing and knows sign, Kriya (shows name-sign K moving down right side of head), invited me to meet her friend named Smokey Rain (shows name-sign smoke-rain), who is a half Native American healer. She offered to do a ritual for my son and I accepted.

I had never experienced that Native American ritual before. She asked me to bring one of Saleh’s favorite things, so I brought a large quartz crystal from his desk. We went to the place where he was shot, at John’s parents’ house, to try to reach Saleh’s spirit through a ritual that involved chanting, and bring the spirit into the crystal. Then I brought the crystal home and asked Smokey Rain what to do next. She told me to focus on communicating with my son, so I thought it over and asked my son what he wanted me to do for him. The answer I received was to invite all of Saleh’s close friends from school over, because many of them had always come over to our house to play with my son, joke around, act funny, sign, and other things. Many kids loved him. He played both soccer and basketball. So, I reached out to one of his best friends, a boy, who agreed to come, along with 10 close friends, and my daughter, who was 11 years old at that time.

When Saleh’s friends came over, they felt better just being able to see Saleh’s things in his bedroom. Visiting helped them to feel better and heal. Many of them had been afraid to come over to my house. No one had come over to my house after Saleh died. I felt heartbroken, depressed and all alone. When his friends came over, I felt better. It helped me heal from my grief.

Next, Smokey Rain suggested that I go with her to a Native American community center to celebrate Saleh’s spirit. I went there and played the drums, felt the vibrations and it was such a beautiful ritual. I was filled with gratitude. After this, Smokey Rain suggested that we go to Saleh’s grave for another ritual, which was a truly beautiful one where we let Saleh’s spirit leave the earth and journey into the universe with the wind. I had to accept this and let him go. My grief went on and my healing happened slowly. Almost one year after Saleh died, Kriya invited me to go to a sweat lodge, which helped me feel better and heal from my grief. That was the last part of my journey. I had to go on with my life. I will always love my son in my heart forever.

(video description: Sandy is a light-skinned woman wearing glasses, and a purple top with a black jacket, standing with trees and sky behinder her, signing her story.)

Resources:

https://deafcounseling.com/grief-after-a-murder-grant-whitaker-and-mavrick-martin-fisher/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russian_roulette

The post Grief: Sandy’s ASL Story of Her Son Being Shot appeared first on Deaf Counseling Center.

Transcript: #whyisign This is actually about why we sign here at Deaf Counseling Center. All of us are Deaf and we work with Deaf people from all over the US. We believe that every Deaf person should have access to direct communication in counseling. Going to counseling and having an interpreter witness intimate discussions is not comfortable. Neither is having to explain to a hearing non-signing counselor about Deaf culture and Deaf-related things like Gallaudet University, which can waste time in sessions and detract from your reason for going to counseling. Direct client-counselor communication using ASL is better. It helps people feel better, improve their lives and progress in healthy directions. This is why we sign.

http://www.whyisign.com

https://deafcounseling.com/deafhood/

The post Sign Language: WhyISign appeared first on Deaf Counseling Center.