Deaf Lesbians’ Systemic Barriers to Adoption

Ella and Judy discuss the challenges they faced as first-generation lesbian mothers dealing with systemic barriers to adoption.

Domestic Violence Led to Move

Judy: I had five children who I brought with me to Kansas from Oklahoma due to domestic violence that caused a breakdown in spiritual growth, as well as physical, emotional and verbal abuse. I moved to protect my children from this. We lived in a shelter for a long while. 

Ella: Just before she left Oklahoma, we both had met and fell in love. Because of this situation with her husband, I supported them the best I could, visiting from time to time. On each visit, I spent time with the children, and got to know them. They were quite young then, the oldest around 8 – 9 years and youngest around 2-3 years old. That was during 1983-1984.

Search for Housing Suitable for Five Children

Judy: Finding our own place with five children was next to impossible. Thanks to a friend in the Vocational Rehabilitation Division, who helped us locate a townhouse that was part of a coop. With that, we finally settled a bit.

Ella: Judy filed for divorce…and after one year, what happened?

Judge Rules in favor of Lesbian Mother

Judy: I got my (maiden) name back. I also got full custody of my children. I was thrilled! My lawyer knew that I was a lesbian and was worried that the judge’s ruling would prejudice against me. However, to our great relief, the judge ruled in my favor! 

No Child Support From Former Husband

Ella: A blessing indeed! At that hearing, the judge also ruled that Judy’s ex-husband must pay monthly child support. How much was that?

Judy: $200.

Ella: Only $200 for five children.

Full Custody Gave Mother Freedom to Take Children to Another State

Judy: When I got full custody, I could then take my children anywhere we wanted to move. 

Ella: So they all moved to California, joining me. Not one penny of the $200/monthly child support came from her ex-husband. Luckily, we both managed to find jobs and places to rent. It wasn’t easy, but we scraped by and eventually, we bought a house. The whole time, we worked together as a family. 

Blended Family Means Multiple Relationships

Oh, one important point, before Judy and the children moved here, I told several people about falling in love with her and that she had five children. One friend told me that since Judy had five children, I am not having a relationship with only one person but with six people altogether. That hit me hard. It is not right to focus on Judy alone and ignore the children. All the children were as important as Judy and need to be seen as a part of my relationship with Judy (Family picture showing Ella and Judy at top left, with four boys and one girl, all smiling). 

Without Adoption, Unrecognized Status as Nonbiological and Non-adoptive Mother

Judy and I shared finances and childcare, but problems existed because of my unrecognized status. Even though my insurance covered all of the children, to ensure they would be taken care of, I had no rights when it came to the children. For example (turns to Judy), do you want to share this incident?

Unable to Make Decision during Medical Emergency without Adoption

Judy: One time I flew to North Carolina for something job-related. That night I arrived, as I was getting ready for the first day of work, someone pressed the light flasher at the door. I opened the door and was told that there was an emergency at home. My son had an infected appendix, necessitating surgery, and I had to fly home before I could start my work there.

Ella: The reason for this was…even though my insurance covered that boy and along with the fact that he lived with me – when the hospital found out that I wasn’t his legal mother, they kicked me out. I explained to them that his mother was in NC for work for the weekend, but they just went “sorry” and made the boy wait for Judy’s appearance and permission before they could operate on him. I had no choice but to call her in North Carolina and tell her to fly back home. At that point, it was very clear that I had zero legal relationship to the children. 

Barriers to Adoption When Children Under 18 Years of Age

Judy: That’s what started us thinking about adoption. We did our homework, researched how adoption would work in our case, what would be expected of us, what our house would need to be like, what the requirements would be, and so on. We learned that it would be extremely expensive.

Ella: That’s right, because they were under 18 years of age, plus we were two women. Back in 1983, that was a big deal – although nowadays it can be challenging, it’s much easier – However, back then, it was much harder. So figuring out what would work best was a struggle. Also, since the children’s father was still alive, he could use his privileged status to block any adoption effort on our part. If Judy died, the children would go back to their father instead of staying with me. It was a complicated situation. But, out of the blue, things took a turn….what happened?

Death of Ex-Husband Makes Adoption Easier

Judy: My ex-husband died.

Ella: Our youngest was 12 at that time.

Judy: I was now free to marry again. I could share my children with Ella. She had been fully involved in raising my children and I felt it was not right to limit her. I wanted to share my children with her because I loved, respected and truly appreciated her hard work and the fact that she accepted the children as her own and took on the responsibility of caring for them. She deserved to be recognized as a good mother.

Adoption of Two Oldest Children

Ella: Two things: yes, it would mean the world to me to be recognized as the children’s legal mother…and also, there was the issue of what would happen if Judy died – where would the children go? Even though they had lived with us – with me – all those years, if Judy were to die, they would be taken away from me immediately and probably become wards of the state. That was a terrifying thought. However, adoption was expensive and there was great bias in the system. 

Importance of LGBT-Friendly Lawyer for Adoption Process

The year when our youngest was 12, the two oldest were 18 and 19, we found a good lawyer who was a lesbian herself and specialized in handling lesbian and gay adoptions, and met with her. She told us that adopting the two oldest children would be easy because they were adults, and could consent to the adoptions on their own. Adopting the younger children was more complicated because it would involve home study, transfers, and other things. 

When I asked the two older children if they wanted me to adopt them, they both responded with an enthusiastic “yes!”. It was a heartwarming moment. With the lawyer’s help, we filed for the adoptions and everything went smoothly. It was such a special and breathtaking feeling at the moment when the adoptions were finalized. We felt even more connected. For the younger three children, though, we decided to wait until our financial and home situation was better. However, after that, life went on, and lots of things happened throughout the years. We were very fortunate that nothing very serious happened though, and that we all stayed together. The adoption idea for the three younger children was put on the back burner.  

Adoption of Remaining Three Children

We became grandparents, and life went on…until our daughter developed some health issues and had to check about applying for social security benefits. She learned she could not get her father’s social security due to his debt. She wondered if she could apply under my social security. “That would be fine” I said, “Sure, we could look into that.” However, in order to do this, we needed proof that she was my daughter. That’s when we realized that we should revisit adopting the three younger children.

Judy: Yes, right. We discussed with the three older children –

3/3 Ella: – the three younger children.

Judy: They were all over 18 by then.

Ella: Oh, ok. 

Judy: … and they all said “why not?” to the adoption idea. So, we went ahead…and then what happened?

Through Adoption, A Fully Recognized and Legal Family at Last

Ella: We contacted that same lawyer who helped us with the two older children. To help us save money, she gave us tips on how to properly prepare forms to submit to the court. Everything worked out and a court date was scheduled. How many people came with us to court that day?

Judy: We had a full line-up of people – some grandchildren came, even our nephew, Tim. We all went to court, the whole family was there to celebrate, and even Ella’s mother went.

Ella: It was really nice and touching. The judge, who was a man, went through everyone’s names and other details, then asked each child if they agreed to the adoption. When our third child said “Yes, I do agree”, my heart melted. After that, our fourth and fifth children gave their consent. The judge turned to me and asked me if I wanted to adopt all of them and be their mother. I replied, “of course”. The judge pounded his gavel and proudly announced that the adoptions were finalized. Judy and I looked at each other, beaming. We were now a fully recognized and legal family, bound not only by love, but by law, too. That was a powerful feeling (picture of Ella standing in the courtroom with three adult children and judge, all smiling, with their arms around each other). The beaming judge said he thought we had a beautiful story, which meant a lot to us. It was nice to see people’s attitudes slowly changing throughout the years, from strong resistance and negativity to full acceptance and support.

First-Generation Deaf Lesbian Mothers

Judy: I think it’s important to note two things. First, when we moved here, we were pioneers. There were hardly any Deaf lesbians who had children in California. There were quite a few hearing lesbians with children, but no Deaf ones that we knew of that time. If we had problems and needed help, there was hardly anybody for us to turn to. It was tough and we felt alone – 

Ella: Our support system was quite nonexistent. 

Prior Experience with Stepmother Role Critical

Judy: – it was awful. Ella’s side of the family had a hard time accepting me. We suffered through it. Second, I think Ella was very lucky that I had experience being a stepmother to two children from my first marriage, the person who died. I took on raising my ex-husband’s two children and learned how to be a stepmother. Now, when Ella was one to my children, I knew how important it was to support her.

Ella: She was very good.

Co-Parenting as a Team

Judy: When there were conflicts with the children, it was hard, but it was important for us to stand strong together, and for the children to see me, their mother, in alliance with Ella. It was also important that we discussed any conflicts between the two of us in private – 

Ella: It wasn’t easy, but…

Judy: – discuss until we came to an agreement, then come out and talk with the children. The children always knew we worked together, always. That was an important lesson. 

Ella: Yes. That’s our story (picture of Ella and Judy in front, with all five adult children standing behind them, smiling, with orange leaves on the trees in background).

Video description: Judy (l) and Ella (r) are seated on a sofa with a few plants behind them. Both are wearing short-sleeved shirts, glasses, and signing their story.

Resources:

https://deafcounseling.com/adoption-a-deaf-adoptive-parent-kyms-story/

https://deafcounseling.com/deaf-adoption-unwanted-medical-advice-story/

https://deafcounseling.com/deaf-indian-adoption-maureens-story/

https://deafcounseling.com/deaf-transracial-and-trans-country-adoption/

https://awaa.org/blog/adopting-a-deaf-child-meet-levi/

The post Adoption Barriers Faced by Deaf Lesbians appeared first on Deaf Counseling Center.

Advice for Prospective Adoptive Deaf Parents

Maureen shares her Deaf Indian adoption experience and offers two important pieces of advice for prospective adoptive parents.

Communication Access and Medical-Related Issues

Hi, I’m Maureen Behrens. I’d like to share my adoption story, focusing on communication access and medical-related issues. I adopted my daughter about 10 ½ years ago, through the Holt International Adoption Agency based in Oregon. When they told me that I had been matched with my daughter, I was elated and over the moon! My heart was pounding and so full of love at that moment. I was looking forward to it with much anticipation.

Lip-reading Instead of Sign Language

Through the adoption process, I worked closely with my social worker. The Indian agency was required to send me reports every three months, covering any issues related to medical, emotional, behavioral, social, and lipreading. The reports I received would indicate things such as weight gain, height, etc. I noticed that they always mentioned lipreading, so I asked my social worker to let them know that I wanted my daughter to learn to sign because otherwise, she would have no way to communicate with me when we met. She wouldn’t know how to tell me when she needed to go to the bathroom or if she needed a drink of water, for example. Because my speech skills are nonexistent, we’d be at loss for communication.

Foster Family Refused to Teach Sign Language

The foster family, however, refused my request and continued to teach lipreading/speech skills. I argued back and forth with them through my social worker for six months, until finally, with just one week remaining before we were to meet, we got lucky. My daughter was moved to another foster family who lived closer to the building where she could learn ASL. A woman named Ida Thomas – bless her heart – had learned ASL from a Canadian pastor who had gone to India and met her at church. It was our lucky break. Ida taught my daughter for one week, covering signs for colors, plane, chair and so on.

First Encounter Between Deaf Adoptive Parent and Deaf Indian Adopted Child

From the moment when my daughter arrived and we met each other for the very first time, we had an amazingly powerful and instant bond, connecting through our both being Deaf. Interestingly, the same social worker who had advocated on my behalf for my daughter to learn sign, was totally astonished and remarked that she had never before seen such a strong first connection between a parent and adoptive child. To my great appreciation and gratitude, we made a written agreement that from that point on, any Deaf child who was placed through that agency would learn to sign. After we flew home, my daughter continued to learn and pick up more ASL.

Medical Biases Toward Deaf Indian Child/Adoption

Secondly, related to medical issues, in one of the reports I received every three months prior to my daughter’s arrival, I had noticed in one picture that her eye looked a bit out of focus. I asked the social worker to share my concerns about my daughter’s eye, but was told by the Indian agency that everything was fine. In addition to this, the doctor had written that my daughter had “growth retardation”, which meant that she would not grow anymore. Upset, I asked the social worker what that meant, but was told it was nothing. Despite my protests, she continued to say it was nothing. To my relief, right after my daughter arrived, she had a big growth spurt. My instinct about her eye, however, was correct. After seeing a doctor and undergoing a series of tests at the California School for the Blind in Fremont, it was confirmed that she had low vision and a few other diagnoses.

Importance of Asking Questions and Trust Your Instincts

My advice to anyone who may be considering adopting in the future is be sure to ask plenty of questions. Trust your instincts and speak up if you feel something isn’t right or if you notice something. Don’t let the agency do everything without considering your input. When I mentioned my concern about communication access and stood my ground, I was eventually able to get my daughter access to signing, and the same thing was true with my concerns that were related to medical issues. Thank you for watching.

Video description: Maureen is sitting in front of a light-colored all, wearing a black top, and signing her story.

Resources:

https://deafcounseling.com/adoption-a-deaf-adoptive-parent-kyms-story/

https://adoption.org/know-adopting-deaf-child

https://deafcounseling.com/deaf-adoption-unwanted-medical-advice-story/

The post Deaf Indian Adoption: Maureen’s Story appeared first on Deaf Counseling Center.

Ron discusses dealing with a medical issue related to his son and some unwanted medical advice from the doctor.

Experience Related to the Medical Field

Ron: Hi and good afternoon, I’m Ron Symansky, a father of three adopted children through international adoptions. I’d like to share one of my experiences related to the medical field. My oldest son had a large purple/blue/green spot on the right side of his abdomen that looked like someone had slapped or hit him there, but he was actually born with it.

Mongolian Spot and Fear of Being Accused of Abuse

My wife and I were concerned that if someone at the Deaf school saw it, they might report it as abuse to social services. We decided to take our son, who was 3-years old at that time, to see a dermatologist at Children’s Hospital. We met with the doctor, with an interpreter. The doctor examined our son and identified the spot that looked like a bruise as a Mongolian spot, which is similar to a birthmark, which is often a smaller brown, tan or pink spot. When we asked how it could be treated, the doctor explained that it might be outgrown or it might remain permanently. We were satisfied with the explanation and made sure that the doctor documented the information in the records.

Unwanted Cochlear Implant Medical Advice by Doctor

Then, out of nowhere, the doctor told us that our son should get a cochlear implant. Remember, he was a dermatologist, specializing in the treatment of skin, nails, and hair issues. We were a bit taken aback and turned off that he was discussing ear/hearing issues, which was out of his area of expertise. He even had the nerve to tell me that I should get a CI. I looked at the interpreter and said that the doctor is a skin doctor, but the interpreter looked uncomfortable being in the middle of this discussion.

Medical Violation of the Hippocrates Oath

Looking back, I realize I should have reported this to the hospital, because the doctor was violating the Hippocrates Oath, which mandates that he practice within his area of specialization, which was dermatology. I was insulted that he decided he needed to fix me, an educated college professor with a master’s degree. He had some nerve to do that. I almost wish I had recommended that he get plastic surgery or Botox to fix his ugly face, but I refrained from saying anything.

Get a 2nd or 3rd Opinion if You Don’t Agree with Your Doctor

I want to let you know that doctors are not perfect. They are not God. If you don’t agree with a doctor’s opinion, get a 2nd or 3rd opinion. Do your research online to make sure you agree with the doctor’s decision, whether it’s related to dermatology, cardiology, neurology, psychiatry or anything else. Make sure you pick the right doctor. None of them are perfect. I’m sharing this story so you can learn from my experience. Video description: Ron is sitting and signing his story.

Resources:

https://deafcounseling.com/adoption-a-deaf-adoptive-parent-kyms-story/

https://adoption.org/know-adopting-deaf-child

The post Deaf Adoption: Unwanted Medical Advice Story appeared first on Deaf Counseling Center.

Adoption and the Medical Community

Hi, I’m Kym Symansky. I’m the mother of three children through international adoption. I want to share my experience with adoption, particularly with the medical community. When our children came home, I felt like they were my children, 500% mine, even though they did not come from my womb. They are children who came from my heart. Every time we went to see a new doctor, a specialist, the ER, hospital, or somewhere like that, we would have to fill out the forms with our names, address, birthdays, and so on. There would be two columns for family history, one for the mother’s medical history, another for the father’s medical history, to note things like diabetes, heart conditions, and cancer. This always seemed like a little bit of a depressing reminder that I was not biologically related to my children. I had to write down “NA” – does not apply – because I didn’t know their medical backgrounds or have any information about their birth families. We always felt sad about that.

Experience with Medical Forms

When our children grew up and became old enough to do so, we encouraged them to fill out the forms themselves. They would ask, “Do you have a family history of diabetes? Does Dad’s family have cancer?” I had to tell them that the forms were for biological medical history and those questions were not related to them. They’d look at me and be like, “oh, that’s right”. We just never think that we are not biologically related. We think of ourselves as family, period. Those medical history forms were just a constant reminder about our not being related through biology. 

Importance of Having a Good Relationship with Your Doctor

I can’t emphasize how important it is to have a good relationship with the family doctor. The family doctor I grew up with, Dr. Piron, was there for both my birth and my brother’s birth. He had taken care of my mother since she moved here from Kansas City when she was eight years old and took care of her when she gave birth as well. When I returned home after 15 years of being away for college, getting married, and living in other places, I was disappointed to find out that Dr. Piron had retired. His daughter, Dr. Kathy, had taken over the practice, so my husband and I went to see her. It was nice to keep the family connection.

Dangers of Labeling Deaf Children Too Quickly

Dr. Kathy knew that we were adopting because she had filled out forms verifying that we were in good health and capable of being parents. When we brought our first child to his first doctor’s appointment, she commented right away, “Oh, this child must have ADHD”. I couldn’t believe she had said that. Of course, my child was busy and excited, full of curiosity about this new environment and examining everything – this was totally to be expected. I told the doctor that everything was new to him – new home, new family, new food, new bed, new school, on top of many other things. So many things were new and exciting to him, of course he wanted to explore. 

Doctor’s Low Expectations

I can’t remember the doctor’s exact words about our second child, but it was probably something about ADHD again and it also made me feel resentful. With our third child, we already knew that surgery for some health issues would be needed after we brought the child home. We had signed papers and were ready for this. When we brought the child to the doctor, she commented that he was underweight and would never walk, might never be able to communicate, understand things or learn much. 

Attitude is Key

By this time, I was even more turned off by her attitude. I asked her why she had talked so negatively about all three of our children. I was so upset that I broke down in tears. I found that the doctor had had a failed adoption experience herself. It involved her wanting to adopt a baby, some controversy about payment to the birth mother, and ultimately ending with the adoption not happening. Later, she found out that two other families had also been scammed by the same birth mother, with her taking money from all three families. It ended with a court case and the doctor’s adoption efforts falling apart.

Changing Doctors

I shared my sympathies, then told her I preferred that she view my children in a positive light and act encouraging, in the same way she would with any other children. After I left the office, however, I continued to feel uncomfortable and bothered by the idea of seeing this doctor regularly through the upcoming years. We’d have to see her any time my children were sick, had a cold or cough, needed medicine or annual school physicals for sports, and other things. After considering everything and talking with my mother, I decided to cut ties with this doctor.  My parents and brother did continue to see her. 

Encounter with Former Doctor

I felt a bit upset and defensive about this, but I cut our ties and switched to our current family doctor. Everything has gone well since then. About 10 or 12 years after this happened, one of my children became sick with a high fever and we went to a walk-in clinic. By that time, Dr. Kathy had retired and was on call for different walk-in clinics. We waited for what felt like forever in the examination room, until a nurse finally came in and handed me a note. It said that Dr. Kathy felt awkward about meeting us because of the bad fallout we had in the past, and that if we preferred to see a different doctor, it would be about another 30 minute wait. I was surprised to read the note, but told the nurse to send in Dr. Kathy, as the past was in the past, and we needed medical assistance now. 

Dr. Kathy came in and it was a little awkward at first, but she went ahead and did her job, prescribing medicine for the fever and sore throat or whatever it was. At the end she commented that our child was very intelligent, communicated very well, and was so polite. I just sat there and smiled.

Video description: Kym is sitting in front of a curtain, signing her story.

Resources:

https://adoption.org/know-adopting-deaf-child

https://deafcounseling.com/recommended-films/

The post Adoption: A Deaf Adoptive Parent, Kym’s Story appeared first on Deaf Counseling Center.