Korean-American Deaf Adoptee Shares Her Story

Kami tells her story as a Korean-American Deaf adoptee, recounting the touching moment her mother identified her out of a group of newly arrived babies. She also covers a few other adoption-related issues.

Each Adoption Experience is Different

Hi, my name is Kami and I’m a Korean-American Deaf adoptee. I was asked to share about my adoption experience. Every adoption experience is different – some are good, some are bad, some adoptees want to return to their home country. I’m blessed to have a wonderful family and great parents. I also have a sister – both of us were adopted from Korea, but we are not biologically related.

Korea Didn’t Allow Deaf Parents to Adopt

Going back to how all of this started, my parents had wanted to adopt a baby for a long time. After they connected with Catholic Charities, they saw my name and picture on a flyer. At that time, my name was Hye-Mee Park, which the Korean orphanage had given to me. Once my parents let the adoption agency know they were interested in me, the adoption process started. This involved a social worker visiting their home to make sure it was a suitable and good home, then interviewing my parents. Everything went well and they were approved. Next, more tests were run to confirm that I was Deaf, because at that time Korea didn’t allow Deaf parents to adopt hearing babies. They held the view that Deaf parents couldn’t raise hearing babies, which is obviously not true.

Korean-American Deaf Adoptee Was Mistaken for a Hearing Child

On the day of the test, I was 10 months old. It happened that I looked in the direction of a phone that rang at the same time, which caused everyone to think they had been mistaken and I was actually hearing. Remember, the technology for testing hearing was not as advanced back then. My parents were heartbroken when the agency informed them that they probably couldn’t adopt me. To their great relief, however, more tests were run and it was confirmed that I was Deaf after all. Interestingly, a blood test that I took years later showed that I carry the Connexin 26 gene, which is a Deaf gene. This means that one of my biological relatives is Deaf or carries the Deaf gene.

First Encounter with Adoptive Deaf Parents in Chicago

Anyway, on the day I flew to Chicago, my parents also flew there to meet me. Only one of them was allowed to go into the airplane, so my mother went in. She saw all the babies sitting in the airplane and tried to figure out which one was me. Her instincts told her that one particular baby must be me, because out of all the crying and distracted babies, I was the only one sitting there quietly. When she checked the name on my wristband, she discovered that she was right!

Korean Diet and US Citizenship

My parents brought me home and fed me a Korean diet for a while, so as not to upset my stomach by introducing different foods too soon. Some of the food I was fed included strawberries with rice and soy milk. When I was three years old, I became an American citizen. My parents paid $50 for this, while today it costs $700-800 to become a US citizen. Since I was too young to take the citizenship test in court, the judge asked my mother the questions instead. She answered them easily because she used to be a social studies teacher. There were questions like “Who was the first U.S. president?”, so of course, my mother aced the test, and I was pronounced a U.S. citizen.

Bullying Experience as Korean-American Deaf Person

After this, I started my education at a Deaf school. This was a tough experience for me. Back then, most of the teachers hadn’t received the right training or been given the resources to teach children. Most of my peers and teachers and staff at the school were white. My peers would make racist slant-eyed gestures and call me stupid. That was when I was between 5 –  9 years old. Of course, I would arrive home from school crying. I wondered why it was wrong to be different. I even wanted to become white and didn’t understand why I had to be born Korean. Now, in contrast, I love being Korean and my identity is strong. People are much more accepting of diversity and we have more diverse people today. Teachers have better training on how to work with children and the curriculum and resources are improved. Times are different now.

Deaf Parents Open about Adoption

While I was growing up, my parents were always very open about my adoption experience. They explained everything to me and showed me the forms that my birth mother filled out for the orphanage. Both of my parents’ full names were on them, their ages, and the reason I was given me up for adoption. My mother was 20 and my father was 21 at the time My father was 5’ 10” tall, while my mother was only 4’ 8” tall. I’m 5’4” tall, right in the middle. Both had ended their relationship before they knew my mother was pregnant. Because they felt they were too young to become parents and raise a child, and Korean culture looked down upon single mothers, they decided to give me up for adoption. It has been a blessing for me to live here in the U.S. While it would be nice to meet my birth parents one day, this isn’t something that I have an extremely strong desire to do. I’m very content with my life right now.

Politically Incorrect Signs for China, Korea, and Japan

I’d like to share a few things that I seem to run into quite often. I often see some of my friends and other people still signing “China” like this (shows two index fingers pointing to outside of eyes; two C-hands on either side of eyes), “Korea” (shows two K-hands on either side of eyes), “Japan” (shows two J-hands on either side of eyes, shakes head “no”). This is pretty offensive. Use signs such as “China” (shows index finger moving across chest and down), “Korea” (shows bent B-hand touching top and bottom of side of head), and “Japan” (shows open and closed index fingers and thumbs moving away from each other). Don’t use the old signs.

Korean-American Deaf Adoptee asked Inappropriate Questions

Second, I get this question often: People ask me, “Where were you born?” or “Are you from far away?” They assume I’m a foreigner. Some Korean people are born in the U.S. and are Americans. Not all are born in Korea.  White people don’t ask other white people where they were born. It’s important to think about how you frame your question.

Another question I get often is from straight people who are curious about gay couples having children. They ask, “How do you plan to have children?” or “Will you use IVF or IUI?”. That’s a personal question. Some gay couples feel comfortable and open about sharing this type of information. It’s okay if a close friend asks me, but it’s a different story if someone who isn’t a close friend asks. Most people wouldn’t ask a straight couple how they plan to have children or if they would use IVF/IUI. There are so many different ways to make babies. Straight couples do use IVF/IUI, but they don’t get asked that same question. Again, be conscious about how you frame that question.

Third, people often ask me if I’m from North or South Korea. If I had been born in North Korea, I would be stuck there because no one can leave unless they sneak out. If they are caught, they will be sent off to a forced labor camp. It’s really a blessing to live here. Thank you for watching!

Video description: Kami is sitting on a white sofa with a blanket over the back, and wooden shelves and a window behind her. She is wearing a black top and signing her story.

Resources:

https://deafcounseling.com/deaf-hispanic-adoptee-treeans-story/

https://deafcounseling.com/deaf-adoptee-shares-her-experience/

https://adoptionnetwork.com/what-does-it-mean-to-be-an-adoptee

The post Korean-American Deaf Adoptee: Kami’s Story appeared first on Deaf Counseling Center.

Deaf Lesbians’ Systemic Barriers to Adoption

Ella and Judy discuss the challenges they faced as first-generation lesbian mothers dealing with systemic barriers to adoption.

Domestic Violence Led to Move

Judy: I had five children who I brought with me to Kansas from Oklahoma due to domestic violence that caused a breakdown in spiritual growth, as well as physical, emotional and verbal abuse. I moved to protect my children from this. We lived in a shelter for a long while. 

Ella: Just before she left Oklahoma, we both had met and fell in love. Because of this situation with her husband, I supported them the best I could, visiting from time to time. On each visit, I spent time with the children, and got to know them. They were quite young then, the oldest around 8 – 9 years and youngest around 2-3 years old. That was during 1983-1984.

Search for Housing Suitable for Five Children

Judy: Finding our own place with five children was next to impossible. Thanks to a friend in the Vocational Rehabilitation Division, who helped us locate a townhouse that was part of a coop. With that, we finally settled a bit.

Ella: Judy filed for divorce…and after one year, what happened?

Judge Rules in favor of Lesbian Mother

Judy: I got my (maiden) name back. I also got full custody of my children. I was thrilled! My lawyer knew that I was a lesbian and was worried that the judge’s ruling would prejudice against me. However, to our great relief, the judge ruled in my favor! 

No Child Support From Former Husband

Ella: A blessing indeed! At that hearing, the judge also ruled that Judy’s ex-husband must pay monthly child support. How much was that?

Judy: $200.

Ella: Only $200 for five children.

Full Custody Gave Mother Freedom to Take Children to Another State

Judy: When I got full custody, I could then take my children anywhere we wanted to move. 

Ella: So they all moved to California, joining me. Not one penny of the $200/monthly child support came from her ex-husband. Luckily, we both managed to find jobs and places to rent. It wasn’t easy, but we scraped by and eventually, we bought a house. The whole time, we worked together as a family. 

Blended Family Means Multiple Relationships

Oh, one important point, before Judy and the children moved here, I told several people about falling in love with her and that she had five children. One friend told me that since Judy had five children, I am not having a relationship with only one person but with six people altogether. That hit me hard. It is not right to focus on Judy alone and ignore the children. All the children were as important as Judy and need to be seen as a part of my relationship with Judy (Family picture showing Ella and Judy at top left, with four boys and one girl, all smiling). 

Without Adoption, Unrecognized Status as Nonbiological and Non-adoptive Mother

Judy and I shared finances and childcare, but problems existed because of my unrecognized status. Even though my insurance covered all of the children, to ensure they would be taken care of, I had no rights when it came to the children. For example (turns to Judy), do you want to share this incident?

Unable to Make Decision during Medical Emergency without Adoption

Judy: One time I flew to North Carolina for something job-related. That night I arrived, as I was getting ready for the first day of work, someone pressed the light flasher at the door. I opened the door and was told that there was an emergency at home. My son had an infected appendix, necessitating surgery, and I had to fly home before I could start my work there.

Ella: The reason for this was…even though my insurance covered that boy and along with the fact that he lived with me – when the hospital found out that I wasn’t his legal mother, they kicked me out. I explained to them that his mother was in NC for work for the weekend, but they just went “sorry” and made the boy wait for Judy’s appearance and permission before they could operate on him. I had no choice but to call her in North Carolina and tell her to fly back home. At that point, it was very clear that I had zero legal relationship to the children. 

Barriers to Adoption When Children Under 18 Years of Age

Judy: That’s what started us thinking about adoption. We did our homework, researched how adoption would work in our case, what would be expected of us, what our house would need to be like, what the requirements would be, and so on. We learned that it would be extremely expensive.

Ella: That’s right, because they were under 18 years of age, plus we were two women. Back in 1983, that was a big deal – although nowadays it can be challenging, it’s much easier – However, back then, it was much harder. So figuring out what would work best was a struggle. Also, since the children’s father was still alive, he could use his privileged status to block any adoption effort on our part. If Judy died, the children would go back to their father instead of staying with me. It was a complicated situation. But, out of the blue, things took a turn….what happened?

Death of Ex-Husband Makes Adoption Easier

Judy: My ex-husband died.

Ella: Our youngest was 12 at that time.

Judy: I was now free to marry again. I could share my children with Ella. She had been fully involved in raising my children and I felt it was not right to limit her. I wanted to share my children with her because I loved, respected and truly appreciated her hard work and the fact that she accepted the children as her own and took on the responsibility of caring for them. She deserved to be recognized as a good mother.

Adoption of Two Oldest Children

Ella: Two things: yes, it would mean the world to me to be recognized as the children’s legal mother…and also, there was the issue of what would happen if Judy died – where would the children go? Even though they had lived with us – with me – all those years, if Judy were to die, they would be taken away from me immediately and probably become wards of the state. That was a terrifying thought. However, adoption was expensive and there was great bias in the system. 

Importance of LGBT-Friendly Lawyer for Adoption Process

The year when our youngest was 12, the two oldest were 18 and 19, we found a good lawyer who was a lesbian herself and specialized in handling lesbian and gay adoptions, and met with her. She told us that adopting the two oldest children would be easy because they were adults, and could consent to the adoptions on their own. Adopting the younger children was more complicated because it would involve home study, transfers, and other things. 

When I asked the two older children if they wanted me to adopt them, they both responded with an enthusiastic “yes!”. It was a heartwarming moment. With the lawyer’s help, we filed for the adoptions and everything went smoothly. It was such a special and breathtaking feeling at the moment when the adoptions were finalized. We felt even more connected. For the younger three children, though, we decided to wait until our financial and home situation was better. However, after that, life went on, and lots of things happened throughout the years. We were very fortunate that nothing very serious happened though, and that we all stayed together. The adoption idea for the three younger children was put on the back burner.  

Adoption of Remaining Three Children

We became grandparents, and life went on…until our daughter developed some health issues and had to check about applying for social security benefits. She learned she could not get her father’s social security due to his debt. She wondered if she could apply under my social security. “That would be fine” I said, “Sure, we could look into that.” However, in order to do this, we needed proof that she was my daughter. That’s when we realized that we should revisit adopting the three younger children.

Judy: Yes, right. We discussed with the three older children –

3/3 Ella: – the three younger children.

Judy: They were all over 18 by then.

Ella: Oh, ok. 

Judy: … and they all said “why not?” to the adoption idea. So, we went ahead…and then what happened?

Through Adoption, A Fully Recognized and Legal Family at Last

Ella: We contacted that same lawyer who helped us with the two older children. To help us save money, she gave us tips on how to properly prepare forms to submit to the court. Everything worked out and a court date was scheduled. How many people came with us to court that day?

Judy: We had a full line-up of people – some grandchildren came, even our nephew, Tim. We all went to court, the whole family was there to celebrate, and even Ella’s mother went.

Ella: It was really nice and touching. The judge, who was a man, went through everyone’s names and other details, then asked each child if they agreed to the adoption. When our third child said “Yes, I do agree”, my heart melted. After that, our fourth and fifth children gave their consent. The judge turned to me and asked me if I wanted to adopt all of them and be their mother. I replied, “of course”. The judge pounded his gavel and proudly announced that the adoptions were finalized. Judy and I looked at each other, beaming. We were now a fully recognized and legal family, bound not only by love, but by law, too. That was a powerful feeling (picture of Ella standing in the courtroom with three adult children and judge, all smiling, with their arms around each other). The beaming judge said he thought we had a beautiful story, which meant a lot to us. It was nice to see people’s attitudes slowly changing throughout the years, from strong resistance and negativity to full acceptance and support.

First-Generation Deaf Lesbian Mothers

Judy: I think it’s important to note two things. First, when we moved here, we were pioneers. There were hardly any Deaf lesbians who had children in California. There were quite a few hearing lesbians with children, but no Deaf ones that we knew of that time. If we had problems and needed help, there was hardly anybody for us to turn to. It was tough and we felt alone – 

Ella: Our support system was quite nonexistent. 

Prior Experience with Stepmother Role Critical

Judy: – it was awful. Ella’s side of the family had a hard time accepting me. We suffered through it. Second, I think Ella was very lucky that I had experience being a stepmother to two children from my first marriage, the person who died. I took on raising my ex-husband’s two children and learned how to be a stepmother. Now, when Ella was one to my children, I knew how important it was to support her.

Ella: She was very good.

Co-Parenting as a Team

Judy: When there were conflicts with the children, it was hard, but it was important for us to stand strong together, and for the children to see me, their mother, in alliance with Ella. It was also important that we discussed any conflicts between the two of us in private – 

Ella: It wasn’t easy, but…

Judy: – discuss until we came to an agreement, then come out and talk with the children. The children always knew we worked together, always. That was an important lesson. 

Ella: Yes. That’s our story (picture of Ella and Judy in front, with all five adult children standing behind them, smiling, with orange leaves on the trees in background).

Video description: Judy (l) and Ella (r) are seated on a sofa with a few plants behind them. Both are wearing short-sleeved shirts, glasses, and signing their story.

Resources:

https://deafcounseling.com/adoption-a-deaf-adoptive-parent-kyms-story/

https://deafcounseling.com/deaf-adoption-unwanted-medical-advice-story/

https://deafcounseling.com/deaf-indian-adoption-maureens-story/

https://deafcounseling.com/deaf-transracial-and-trans-country-adoption/

https://awaa.org/blog/adopting-a-deaf-child-meet-levi/

The post Adoption Barriers Faced by Deaf Lesbians appeared first on Deaf Counseling Center.

Deaf Transracial and Trans-country Adoption

Edna shares her family’s experience with Deaf transracial and trans-country adoption.

Deaf transracial and trans-country adoption: Hello everyone, I’m Edna Johnston. My topic is adoption. I have four children, all of whom I adopted, including one who was conceived and born with my wife of 16 ½ years. I think adoption is a beautiful concept and the perfect solution for straight people’s mistakes. Since gay people don’t procreate – well, now they can have babies with their own DNA, but couples can’t both pass on their DNA together (video screen moves, “stop, I’m filming” – “that’s my kid”, fixes screen). Adoption is an awesome win-win – we can have children and children who need families get them. I did choose to have Deaf children and my wife, who is hearing, agreed. Things changed later though, and we ended up with two Deaf and two hearing children – two girls and two boys. It’s really nice that I wanted Deaf kids and I got what I wanted.

Do’s and Don’ts – Adoption Questions

Anyway, I think people are more open and curious about adoption today and view it positively. There are, however, still some “Do’s” and “Don’ts” when it comes to adoption. I notice that people often want to know how the adoption process works. I don’t mind sharing that information. What’s important is the intent behind the question. People ask if it is expensive, how we could afford it, why we picked this country to adopt from – this last one is probably because there are not many countries to adopt from that have Deaf children, and it’s usually the same few countries people adopt Deaf children from, so I can understand the question. Often when people ask why we chose a certain country, it’s because our children are Black. This is called transracial adoption, or adoption across race. My wife and I are white, while our children are a different race – Black – and they are also from another country, which is called transnational adoption, although I rarely use that word. I usually say transracial.

Deaf Transracial and Trans-Country Adoption – White Parents and White Privileges

I have learned so much about my children’s country through celebrating their food, culture, clothing, values, and through meeting people in the community, including Deaf people from their native country. It has been an incredibly rich experience. I have also learned a lot about myself as a white person and my white privilege. For example, I have my Deaf lens, which means as a Deaf person, I expect hearing parents to learn how to sign if they have children, no exception. If you have Deaf children, you must celebrate Deaf culture, community, values, art, history and so on. In the same way, I also have another lens as an adoptive parent. I believe that I should celebrate and acknowledge my children’s heritage in a similar way.

Reciprocal Relationship with the Black Deaf Community

There are some needs that I cannot meet as a white mom. For example, braiding hair is something that I am just not good at, so I share this activity with the Black Deaf community. It’s not a threat to me as a parent at all. The more open I am with the community, the more my kids benefit. It’s like teamwork, a reciprocal relationship. It’s similar to how in the Deaf community, Deaf and hearing parents collaborate for the children’s best interest. That’s a beautiful side of adoption.

Transracial and Trans-Country Deaf Adopted Children as Strong Beings

I have the utmost respect for children who are adopted from any other country. They are survivors, strong beings, transplants from other countries who moved here and had to learn everything about a new country, a new language – both a complex written language and sign language – new everything, including new people, new demographics that are completely different from their native country, new families. They have to learn to trust, to deal with trauma from their past, to handle people who say bad things about their being adopted, and on and on. I think they are some of the strongest people on earth.

No Need to Call Children “Adopted Children”

I ask that you own up to it when you say something by mistake. For example, someone came up to me and said, “I met your adopted kids”. My response is, “They are my children and I don’t call them my ADOPTED children – they are my kids, period.” I’m like a mama bear – if anything threatens my children, I will protect them because they are my kids. I don’t see them as my “Black kids” or my “adopted kids” or my “African kids” – they are MY kids and that’s it. This isn’t to say that I am colorblind, of course. They are my kids and carry our names. So own it if you slip up and say something that might be racist. Just check – it’s okay. Everyone is human. Own it. “How much did the adoptions cost?” is a question I detest. So is profiling, or assuming that all children who are adopted from other countries have language delays, special needs, or aren’t really Deaf but are autistic or something like that. The stigma is real.

Don’t Put So Much Importance on DNA and Genes

It’s important not to place so much importance on DNA and genes. DNA does not always guarantee that a family is close. Some families are so dysfunctional and not close at all. I’m close to my kids even though we don’t share DNA. I feel there is way too much emphasis on DNA. For example, some school activities ask students to bring in baby pictures, which doesn’t show much sensitivity to adopted children who may not have any baby pictures of themselves. It’s important to be sensitive. Overall, adoption has been a good experience. I hope you might consider adoption one day, or be open to the idea of having your own children and adopting, too, or even be less fixated on the importance of DNA and continuing your bloodline. There are so many different ways to have a family. Many thanks!

Resources:

https://deafcounseling.com/adoption-a-deaf-adoptive-parent-kyms-story/

https://deafcounseling.com/deaf-adoption-unwanted-medical-advice-story/

https://deafcounseling.com/deaf-indian-adoption-maureens-story/

https://adoption.org/know-adopting-deaf-child

The post Deaf Transracial and Trans-Country Adoption appeared first on Deaf Counseling Center.

Transgender Athletes in Deaf Schools: Dominice’s parents share concerns about facing resistance from their daughter’s school’s athletic departments when it comes to allowing Dominice to play as a girl on school sports teams. As a rule, middle and high school sports are gender segregated and often conform to rigid standards and ideologies. With transgender athletes being a fairly new concept at this level of competition, it is no surprise that some athletic directors, coaches and parents may allow fears or prejudices to affect their views. The article references Indiana’s outdated and irrelevant rules for eligibility for allowing transgender athletes to play – one can only begin to imagine what rules other states may have in respect to this.

Need for Education and Training:While it is clear that Dominice’s parents are proactive in advocating for her rights as a Deaf transgender student and athlete, the burden of educating our Deaf schools and community about transgender rights should not fall on parents alone. All Deaf schools can and should offer training to teachers, staff, administrators, coaches, and parents about creating welcoming and supportive environments for transgender students. In the same spirit that schools such as California School for the Deaf – Fremont teach about diversity by making their curriculum inclusive, honoring minority groups with celebratory months, discussion panels, and posters, they should also include education and awareness of transgender issues.

The post Deaf and Transgender Since Birth, Meet Dominice appeared first on Deaf Counseling Center.