Deaf Lesbians’ Systemic Barriers to Adoption

Ella and Judy discuss the challenges they faced as first-generation lesbian mothers dealing with systemic barriers to adoption.

Domestic Violence Led to Move

Judy: I had five children who I brought with me to Kansas from Oklahoma due to domestic violence that caused a breakdown in spiritual growth, as well as physical, emotional and verbal abuse. I moved to protect my children from this. We lived in a shelter for a long while. 

Ella: Just before she left Oklahoma, we both had met and fell in love. Because of this situation with her husband, I supported them the best I could, visiting from time to time. On each visit, I spent time with the children, and got to know them. They were quite young then, the oldest around 8 – 9 years and youngest around 2-3 years old. That was during 1983-1984.

Search for Housing Suitable for Five Children

Judy: Finding our own place with five children was next to impossible. Thanks to a friend in the Vocational Rehabilitation Division, who helped us locate a townhouse that was part of a coop. With that, we finally settled a bit.

Ella: Judy filed for divorce…and after one year, what happened?

Judge Rules in favor of Lesbian Mother

Judy: I got my (maiden) name back. I also got full custody of my children. I was thrilled! My lawyer knew that I was a lesbian and was worried that the judge’s ruling would prejudice against me. However, to our great relief, the judge ruled in my favor! 

No Child Support From Former Husband

Ella: A blessing indeed! At that hearing, the judge also ruled that Judy’s ex-husband must pay monthly child support. How much was that?

Judy: $200.

Ella: Only $200 for five children.

Full Custody Gave Mother Freedom to Take Children to Another State

Judy: When I got full custody, I could then take my children anywhere we wanted to move. 

Ella: So they all moved to California, joining me. Not one penny of the $200/monthly child support came from her ex-husband. Luckily, we both managed to find jobs and places to rent. It wasn’t easy, but we scraped by and eventually, we bought a house. The whole time, we worked together as a family. 

Blended Family Means Multiple Relationships

Oh, one important point, before Judy and the children moved here, I told several people about falling in love with her and that she had five children. One friend told me that since Judy had five children, I am not having a relationship with only one person but with six people altogether. That hit me hard. It is not right to focus on Judy alone and ignore the children. All the children were as important as Judy and need to be seen as a part of my relationship with Judy (Family picture showing Ella and Judy at top left, with four boys and one girl, all smiling). 

Without Adoption, Unrecognized Status as Nonbiological and Non-adoptive Mother

Judy and I shared finances and childcare, but problems existed because of my unrecognized status. Even though my insurance covered all of the children, to ensure they would be taken care of, I had no rights when it came to the children. For example (turns to Judy), do you want to share this incident?

Unable to Make Decision during Medical Emergency without Adoption

Judy: One time I flew to North Carolina for something job-related. That night I arrived, as I was getting ready for the first day of work, someone pressed the light flasher at the door. I opened the door and was told that there was an emergency at home. My son had an infected appendix, necessitating surgery, and I had to fly home before I could start my work there.

Ella: The reason for this was…even though my insurance covered that boy and along with the fact that he lived with me – when the hospital found out that I wasn’t his legal mother, they kicked me out. I explained to them that his mother was in NC for work for the weekend, but they just went “sorry” and made the boy wait for Judy’s appearance and permission before they could operate on him. I had no choice but to call her in North Carolina and tell her to fly back home. At that point, it was very clear that I had zero legal relationship to the children. 

Barriers to Adoption When Children Under 18 Years of Age

Judy: That’s what started us thinking about adoption. We did our homework, researched how adoption would work in our case, what would be expected of us, what our house would need to be like, what the requirements would be, and so on. We learned that it would be extremely expensive.

Ella: That’s right, because they were under 18 years of age, plus we were two women. Back in 1983, that was a big deal – although nowadays it can be challenging, it’s much easier – However, back then, it was much harder. So figuring out what would work best was a struggle. Also, since the children’s father was still alive, he could use his privileged status to block any adoption effort on our part. If Judy died, the children would go back to their father instead of staying with me. It was a complicated situation. But, out of the blue, things took a turn….what happened?

Death of Ex-Husband Makes Adoption Easier

Judy: My ex-husband died.

Ella: Our youngest was 12 at that time.

Judy: I was now free to marry again. I could share my children with Ella. She had been fully involved in raising my children and I felt it was not right to limit her. I wanted to share my children with her because I loved, respected and truly appreciated her hard work and the fact that she accepted the children as her own and took on the responsibility of caring for them. She deserved to be recognized as a good mother.

Adoption of Two Oldest Children

Ella: Two things: yes, it would mean the world to me to be recognized as the children’s legal mother…and also, there was the issue of what would happen if Judy died – where would the children go? Even though they had lived with us – with me – all those years, if Judy were to die, they would be taken away from me immediately and probably become wards of the state. That was a terrifying thought. However, adoption was expensive and there was great bias in the system. 

Importance of LGBT-Friendly Lawyer for Adoption Process

The year when our youngest was 12, the two oldest were 18 and 19, we found a good lawyer who was a lesbian herself and specialized in handling lesbian and gay adoptions, and met with her. She told us that adopting the two oldest children would be easy because they were adults, and could consent to the adoptions on their own. Adopting the younger children was more complicated because it would involve home study, transfers, and other things. 

When I asked the two older children if they wanted me to adopt them, they both responded with an enthusiastic “yes!”. It was a heartwarming moment. With the lawyer’s help, we filed for the adoptions and everything went smoothly. It was such a special and breathtaking feeling at the moment when the adoptions were finalized. We felt even more connected. For the younger three children, though, we decided to wait until our financial and home situation was better. However, after that, life went on, and lots of things happened throughout the years. We were very fortunate that nothing very serious happened though, and that we all stayed together. The adoption idea for the three younger children was put on the back burner.  

Adoption of Remaining Three Children

We became grandparents, and life went on…until our daughter developed some health issues and had to check about applying for social security benefits. She learned she could not get her father’s social security due to his debt. She wondered if she could apply under my social security. “That would be fine” I said, “Sure, we could look into that.” However, in order to do this, we needed proof that she was my daughter. That’s when we realized that we should revisit adopting the three younger children.

Judy: Yes, right. We discussed with the three older children –

3/3 Ella: – the three younger children.

Judy: They were all over 18 by then.

Ella: Oh, ok. 

Judy: … and they all said “why not?” to the adoption idea. So, we went ahead…and then what happened?

Through Adoption, A Fully Recognized and Legal Family at Last

Ella: We contacted that same lawyer who helped us with the two older children. To help us save money, she gave us tips on how to properly prepare forms to submit to the court. Everything worked out and a court date was scheduled. How many people came with us to court that day?

Judy: We had a full line-up of people – some grandchildren came, even our nephew, Tim. We all went to court, the whole family was there to celebrate, and even Ella’s mother went.

Ella: It was really nice and touching. The judge, who was a man, went through everyone’s names and other details, then asked each child if they agreed to the adoption. When our third child said “Yes, I do agree”, my heart melted. After that, our fourth and fifth children gave their consent. The judge turned to me and asked me if I wanted to adopt all of them and be their mother. I replied, “of course”. The judge pounded his gavel and proudly announced that the adoptions were finalized. Judy and I looked at each other, beaming. We were now a fully recognized and legal family, bound not only by love, but by law, too. That was a powerful feeling (picture of Ella standing in the courtroom with three adult children and judge, all smiling, with their arms around each other). The beaming judge said he thought we had a beautiful story, which meant a lot to us. It was nice to see people’s attitudes slowly changing throughout the years, from strong resistance and negativity to full acceptance and support.

First-Generation Deaf Lesbian Mothers

Judy: I think it’s important to note two things. First, when we moved here, we were pioneers. There were hardly any Deaf lesbians who had children in California. There were quite a few hearing lesbians with children, but no Deaf ones that we knew of that time. If we had problems and needed help, there was hardly anybody for us to turn to. It was tough and we felt alone – 

Ella: Our support system was quite nonexistent. 

Prior Experience with Stepmother Role Critical

Judy: – it was awful. Ella’s side of the family had a hard time accepting me. We suffered through it. Second, I think Ella was very lucky that I had experience being a stepmother to two children from my first marriage, the person who died. I took on raising my ex-husband’s two children and learned how to be a stepmother. Now, when Ella was one to my children, I knew how important it was to support her.

Ella: She was very good.

Co-Parenting as a Team

Judy: When there were conflicts with the children, it was hard, but it was important for us to stand strong together, and for the children to see me, their mother, in alliance with Ella. It was also important that we discussed any conflicts between the two of us in private – 

Ella: It wasn’t easy, but…

Judy: – discuss until we came to an agreement, then come out and talk with the children. The children always knew we worked together, always. That was an important lesson. 

Ella: Yes. That’s our story (picture of Ella and Judy in front, with all five adult children standing behind them, smiling, with orange leaves on the trees in background).

Video description: Judy (l) and Ella (r) are seated on a sofa with a few plants behind them. Both are wearing short-sleeved shirts, glasses, and signing their story.

Resources:

https://deafcounseling.com/adoption-a-deaf-adoptive-parent-kyms-story/

https://deafcounseling.com/deaf-adoption-unwanted-medical-advice-story/

https://deafcounseling.com/deaf-indian-adoption-maureens-story/

https://deafcounseling.com/deaf-transracial-and-trans-country-adoption/

https://awaa.org/blog/adopting-a-deaf-child-meet-levi/

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Iowa Deaf Community Comes Together in Support of Sexual Assault Survivors
APRIL 8, 2018, BY YESSENIA CHAVEZ

The Iowa Deaf community came together on Sunday afternoon to kick off National Crime Victims Rights Week.

The Deaf Iowan’s Against Abuse organization hosted “Heels for Hope” at the Elks Lodge in Rock Island.

Heels for HOPE is a nationwide program where people walk in heels to show solidarity for women and men who have been victims of sexual assault.

Sheli Barber, deaf psychotherapist and CJ Jones a Comedian who played a role in the 2017 summer movie “Baby Driver” were the keynote speakers at the event.

Barber focused her presentation on the #MeToo movement and where it started.

“It’s to raise awareness and accountability because we want perpetrators of sexual assault and violence to be held accountable for their actions,” said Barber.

Jones spoke out about his own hardship experiences of growing up deaf, and gave a speech of never giving up hope.

“It’s our responsibility to work together be there for each other we’re one people one world,” said Jones.

Members and allies strutted in high heels to raise awareness on sexual assault. The goal of the event is to shed light on survivors in the wake of the Me Too movement.

Executive Director of the DIAA, JenniferUpah-Kyes, said members of the deaf community have a higher chance of being a victim of violence than the general population due to communication barriers. According to the Bureau of Justice, a National Survey said those with disabilities are at least 2 and a half times more likely to be victims of violence between the years 2009-2015.

The goal of the event is to spread a message of hope and inclusiveness. Organizers say it’s also a chance to show that there is help and resources for those going through trauma.

“That’s the point of this Heels for Hope event…(to show) we walk together and no one is alone,” said Upah Kyes.

Reference:

http://wqad.com/2018/04/08/iowa-deaf-community-comes-together-in-support-of-sexual-assault-survivors/

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There have been a lot of shootings recently – in schools, Las Vegas and other places. People blame mental illness as the cause of this, but that is wrong. It perpetuates the stigma against mental illness.

In reality, most people who are mentally ill are not dangerous. Only a very, very small percentage are. Blaming mentally ill people for gun violence needs to stop. If you can envision two circles, one representing people with mental illness and the other representing people who are violent, the little part where they overlap is the very small percentage of people who are mentally ill and dangerous. This is less than 4% of people who are violent and dangerous.

If you believe that mental illness causes gun violence, strangely, you should see equal numbers of men and women using gun violence, but men far outnumber women when it comes to gun violence. This does not make sense, because both men and women can have mental illness, but both do not engage in gun violence.

When people who are mentally ill get ahold of a gun, they are more likely to use it for suicide purposes. They do not tend to shoot other people. If they do shoot other people, it is more often family members, friends or coworkers with whom they may have a grievance. The do not usually use guns for mass shootings.

Also, if you believe than mental illness causes gun violence, look at the rest of the world. The US has far higher numbers of gun violence than other countries such as Japan have far lower numbers. Mental illness is a universal phenomenon so the statistics do not make sense.

Even if psychologists and counselors diagnose people with mental illness, they cannot predict who will become violent and shoot people. There is more chance of recognizing risk of gun violence by looking at factors such as history of violence, including domestic violence and hurting others. History of two or more DUI convictions in five years also increases risk. Additionally, two or more convictions of drug-related crimes in five years are associated with increased risk of gun violence. Gun violence is typically correlated with rage, impulsivity, reaction to job loss or divorce and alcohol use.

People who suffer from mental illness often have no voice to defend themselves. They are more likely to be victims of crime themselves, than to conduct crimes against others.

Blaming mental illness as the cause of gun violence diverts our attention from the real causes. These are the need for gun control laws and for dealing with social and economic problems in society. These are the issues that we need to look at.

We need to stop targeting mental illness and look at the real causes so we can make improvements. If you see people blaming mental illness for gun violence, it is important that you correct them so they can disseminate the right information about gun violence This will help show support for people with people illnesses.

The post Mental Illness as Scapegoat for Gun Violence appeared first on Deaf Counseling Center.

Electronic Means of Interpretation: The bill gets it very wrong on several other counts, however. First, it specifies that the interpretation can be done via electronic means. This could mean video remote interpreting (VRI), which would involve the Deaf child watching and talking to an interpreter who is not present in the room, but working from another location and visible on a computer screen. This is not appropriate. An abuse investigation is highly stressful for the child, has legal ramifications, and requires a live interpreter in the room who is able to communicate with the child at the child’s level, mentally and physically. Even worse than VRI, the bill’s mention of an electronic medium of interpretation could mean typed English. No Deaf child undergoing an abuse investigation should be expected to communicate in a second language, period.

Certified AND Qualified Interpreters: Third, the bill notes that the interpreting may be done using an interpreter who is “trained” in ASL. It states that the interpreter may be a volunteer. No on both counts. Any interpreter working in this type of situation must be a certified professional interpreter, preferably one who has both legal and mental health training. Certification alone, however, is not enough. There must be oversight and validation of the interpreter’s credentials and qualifications by Deaf professionals and community members. It is unethical to leave the determination of who is qualified to interpret up to an individual or agency with no professional credibility in this area. Ideally, a Certified Deaf Interpreter (CDI) will be available as well, to facilitate communication. The best person to understand and communicate with a Deaf child in this situation is often another Deaf person whose first language is ASL and who understands the nuances of children’s signing. An even more ideal solution is to hire Deaf investigators and social workers who can work directly with the Deaf child, reducing the need for interpreters and the complications involved.

Compounding Trauma: As mental health professionals, we cannot condone the Tennessee bill. It needs to be rewritten, with more precise language specifying requirements for certified interpreters and CDIs in cases involving Deaf children and suspected domestic abuse or child abuse. More attention needs to be paid to behind-the-scenes moves of companies such as sComm, which sells the UbiDuo2, a device for typed communication. sComm may be promoting self-interest in advocating for passage of this bill. If the bill passes, Deaf children stand to experience additional trauma as a result of inadequate interpreting access, on top of any trauma they may have already experienced. The system must protect Deaf children, not set them up for additional emotional and mental abuse.

Related articles:

Doing More Harm than Good by Trudy Suggs

Open Letter to Jason Curry, sComm CEO by Trudy Suggs

Bill allows volunteer interpreters for deaf in abuse allegations by The Tennessean

Tennessee General Assembly SB0594 and HB0672

The post Abused Deaf Children Need Certified Interpreters appeared first on Deaf Counseling Center.

The post Deanne Bray’s Rude Awakening appeared first on Deaf Counseling Center.

3 Part- Time positions for Deaf Advocates in Iowa available; from July 1, 2012 to June 30, 2013

Trained Domestic Violence / Sexual Assault Advocate will provide direct services to Deaf /Hard of Hearing victims in the State of Iowa. Advocate will provide direct services in person, through video phone, secured AIM and text communications. Advocate will work as on needed basis within the limits of the grant.

Responsibilities

Provides comprehensive 1:1 peer consulting through a victim based platform.

Provides assistance in safety planning, filing of order of protection, and assistance with other victim service forms.

Provides outreach information, referrals to appropriate needed services and advocacy in securing American Sign Language interpreters for services.

Provides support to court related hearings, shelter placements and other referred collaborative hearing settings

Provides accurate documentation of daily interaction, appropriate reporting of services, filing appropriate documents and following up as needed.

Provides advocacy during office hours directly, as needed through video phone or text messages.

Educates through outreach, presentations, trainings and workshops.

Additional duties as assigned.

Knowledge, Skills and Abilities

Excellent communication skills.

Must be able to work flexible hours including nights and weekends.

Experience with Deaf, Hard of Hearing and Speech Impaired customers required.

Must have own transportation – regular travel required.
Willing to work evenings and weekends.

Ability to work in a bilingual-bicultural team environment.

Qualifications

Bachelor’s degree preferred or equivalent proven work history in advocacy work or working with Deaf/Hard of hearing community.

Demonstrated ability to communicate fluently in American Sign Language and other communication modes.

Must have strong commitment to innovative thinking, problem solving and implementing system advocacy for deaf/hard of hearing adults.

Must have strong ability to work with complex cases, free of biases and independently.

This position is part-time 20 hours/week

Apply Online! https://ssl.c-s-d.org/hr/OnlineApplication/

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Another PSA by the Deaf Hope team – a very creative and well-done message! The only feedback we have is that we wish the opening line did not minimize Deaf identity, which is not even relevant to the PSA message. Deaf women who identify themselves as Deaf first share the same concerns as the actress, who says she identifies herself as a woman first, not Deaf. Hearing women share the same concerns as well. It does not make much sense to us to frame it as a choice between identifying first as Deaf or as a woman. Other than, this we love the video and hope the message on rape culture sinks in.

The post Why is Shoshannah Stern Pissed Off? appeared first on Deaf Counseling Center.

A vlogger, Kim, shares her experience helping a friend in a domestic violence relationship find support. We have to work hard to remove stigmas related to counseling and domestic violence.

The post Violence Hurts appeared first on Deaf Counseling Center.

The post Marlee Matlin in a Domestic Violence PSA appeared first on Deaf Counseling Center.

Domestic Violence in the Deaf Community: ASADV continues to bring attention to the topic of domestic violence and abuse by sponsoring a one-day conference in Rochester, New York, next month. CyberSafety and CyberBullying are among the timely issues that will be covered. This is a great opportunity to learn more about how domestic violence impacts our community and what you can do about it. See below for more information.

Conference Announcement:

Hello Everyone,

I am happy to announce that Advocacy Services for Abused Deaf Victims (ASADV) will be having its first conference on Saturday, January 29th in Rochester, NY (on NTID campus).

We will be discussing issues of Domestic Violence/Abuse Prevention and 3 big C’s of today: Community Accountability, Collaboration & Research, and CyberSafety & CyberBullying. A community discussion as well as lunch will be included! Participants will also receive a Certificate of Participation. The cost is only $20.00 if you register before January 17th (after that the cost is $25). [Interpreters will be provided].

For more information, please visit: http://asadv.org/events-3/upcoming-events/ –> by clicking on this link you will find: conference invitation letter, conference flyer/registration form, and the conference schedule.

Please feel free to contact me (aimistar@gmail.com) or Erin Esposito (erin.esposito@asadv.org) for any questions or for more information. Please also share this event information with others.

Happy holidays,

Aimee

—
Aimee K. Whyte
Advocate/Counselor
Advocacy Services for Abused Deaf Victims (ASADV)

V/VP: 585/286-2713
F/TTY: 585/232-2854
Hotline: ASADVHope@gmail.com

P.O. Box 20023
Rochester, NY 14602

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