Eulogies and tributes in general paint deceased people in an overwhelmingly flattering light. For some reason, people hold fast to “don’t speak ill of the dead”, at the expense of being honest and realistic.

As a therapist, I want to normalize that human relationships and grief can be complicated. Just because someone has died does not mean that they were saints throughout their lifetime. I believe it is important to be able to be authentic and speak our truth.

In Memoriam: Reflecting on a Complicated Father-Daughter Relationship

With a mix of emotions, I announce the passing of my father, Stephen Frederic McCullough, on January 12, 2024, at the age of 77.

Despite becoming a father to me unexpectedly at 19 years old, Dad did his best to meet his parental responsibilities. He left high school before graduating and went to work as a printer to support our family, providing us with a stable life.

One of the advantages of having a young (and sometimes immature) father was having a buddy always ready to throw a football, ride rollercoasters without becoming sick, or cruise around the neighborhood and nearby sand dunes in our blue 1970’s flower-decaled dune buggy. Dad shared the joys of camping, snow skiing, and waterskiing, an appreciation for nature, and passed on his love for boating to me.

Dad made sure that as a girl, I knew I could do anything. He taught me woodworking, how to change tires and spark plugs, and many other tasks that were considered “man’s work”. I remember spending hours with him in his immaculate garage.

One of my favorite stories: After giving me a 30-second rundown on how to operate a stick shift, Dad sent me out alone in my newly purchased Volkswagen, without a backwards glance. Needless to say, it was not a smooth ride, with the car stalling at every red light, and I found my self back home shortly. Dad imparted another 30-second lecture on proper use of the clutch when stopping. From Dad, I learned not to be afraid of anything or anyone.

In the complicated and messy way that life unfolds, the strong and principled feminist I grew up to be eventually lost patience with Dad’s constant disrespectful behaviors toward women. Through infidelity, he caused pain to all the women he shared his life with, repeating a pattern of disloyalty in both of his marriages and his other relationships.

Our relationship strained under the weight of this, leading to a 25-year estrangement. Three years ago, Dad extended a plea for reconnection, a gesture that seemed to come from a place of regret as he confronted the brevity of time while dealing with lung cancer.

During our in-person reunion at a pickleball tournament, Dad spent hours sitting next to me each day, trying to make up for lost time. We both knew there was no undoing what was already done. I found peace in understanding that his flaws came from his wounds – language deprivation in his early years, low-self-esteem, and becoming a parent before he had matured. It was bittersweet and freeing. I could see that Dad was proud to be my father and my daughter’s grandfather. He was looking forward to a road trip next fall to visit my family and enjoy a boat ride at our lake home.

Unfortunately, the visit did not happen because Dad’s health took a turn for the worse. My biological brother, who lived closer to Dad, was apparently threatened by our reconciliation. He abused his medical power of attorney by preventing me from visiting Dad in his final days. He did this despite Dad already having named me his second medical POA and expressing his desire to talk with me when I saw him briefly in the hospital last month. Although it made sense to name my brother, who lived closer, as the primary POA, Dad sadly did not understand the implications of this, nor did he realize that sibling grudges would surface, resulting in the POA being abused by my neurodivergent brother.

In honoring Dad’s memory, I choose to hold onto the blessing of our reconnection and its significance in the broader tapestry of our lives. May the warmth of this and other happy moments endure, and may they serve as a reminder that, even in the face of complexities, there is always room for healing and shared moments of connection.

References:

https://getcarefull.com/articles/how-to-prevent-power-of-attorney-abuse

https://www.choosingtherapy.com/narcissistic-sibling

https://siblingestrangement.com

https://deafcounseling.com/when-narcissists-use-children

https://llcn.sdsu.edu/team/stephen-mccullough-ph-d/

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Important Autism Lesson Mother Learned

Raising a son with autism: Tammy Jo, parent of a Deaf child with autism, shares a story about raising her son. Through this important lesson she learned, we can all benefit and increase our understanding of how to interact with children with autism.

Son Identifying his Autism: Hi, my name is Tammy Ellis. I would like to share with you about my son, Kane, who is Deaf and has autism. He was born it autism and while he was growing up, I learned a lot about autism, including what I needed to do and what I could do to make things better for my son. When he was 11 years old, he recognized that he was different than other children. He asked me why everyone kept away from him and why they talked about him. He had tried to make friends, but wasn’t successful. He felt hurt and wondered if something was wrong with him. He kept asking, “Why me? Why me?” He cried so hard about this when he was just 11 years old. I tried to comfort him by explaining that each one of us has something special about ourselves that makes us different from others, and that even applied to me. No matter how much I explained that no one was exactly the same, Kane was still crushed and devastated. 

Tie Rack as a Gift: I felt awful and didn’t know what to do. Finally, I went to the store and bought some things that I thought he might like. I gave him the gifts, which he opened and looked over. He was transfixed by one item in particular – a motorized revolving hanger for ties – because he loved fans, including ceiling fans and any type of fan that spun around. He loved watching fans and they had a meditative effect on him and seemed to meet a need of his. In addition to the revolving tie rack, I had also bought three new ties and hung them on the rack, where they were spinning around and he could choose which one he wanted to wear. I thought he could use it when getting ready for school, and maybe people would like his ties. 

Teaching Son How to Use YouTube: When I showed Kane a YouTube video that explained how to put on a tie and different techniques to use, he really liked it. YouTube is great and you can learn how to do anything on YouTube. Kane picked up the art of how to put on a tie with lots of hands-on practice, thanks to YouTube making it so easy. He put on his tie and went off to school, where many people approached him and gave him compliments about his tie. He even made friends.

Empowering Your Autistic Child: One day he came home and asked me to help him make posters. He had an idea to advertise a “Tie Day” at school, to encourage any men and boys at school to join him in wearing a tie. I thought this was a good idea, so I helped him with the posters, then checked with the school about the policy for hanging the posters. The school was supportive and explained where it was permitted to hang posters. We coordinated everything and the posters went up. 

Cooperation from School: Sure enough, on Wednesdays, many teachers, faculty and friends came together to wear ties! It was great! Even one man who worked in the cafeteria, who detested wearing ties, made a paper tie and hung it on the wall. When he saw Kane coming, he would quickly fasten the tie to his shirt, then hang it back up after he left. For those students who didn’t have ties, Kane would make arrangements to lend them ties. This really helped him make more friends, all of whom were supportive of each other. One day, the principal, who was a woman, decided to join in and wear a tie. When Kane saw her, he became upset and went to talk with a school counselor. After the counselor asked the principal not to wear the tie, Kane decided to make posters advertising Tuesdays as a day for women to wear ties, while men would wear them on Wednesdays. 

Graduation Day: The tie days went on for five years, until graduation day, when Kane thanked everyone for supporting him on tie days. After that, things went back to normal. Kane really appreciated the tie days. They gave him an opportunity to resolve problems and pursue something that was important to him, instead of me trying to fix things for him. This was a really special experience that taught me a lot about autism.

Video description: Tammy Jo is sitting and signing her story.

Deaf Counseling Center offers national Deaf therapy services. We provide both teletherapy (videophone and other internet-platforms) and in-office therapy to Deaf clients on a national basis. Contact us for more information.

http://www.deafcounseling.com

Resources:

https://www.verywellhealth.com/deaf-people-with-autism-1046724

http://www.raisingdeafkids.org/special/autism/

The post Autism: Deaf Mother’s Tie Story appeared first on Deaf Counseling Center.

As part of our Neurodiversity video series, Bobba shares from her heart about raising two children with autism.

Hello! I have two children with autism – one girl who is 29 and one boy who is almost 28, both of whom are complete opposites. My daughter is easily overstimulated and has seizures, while my son is very under stimulated. It was a challenge when they were growing up, because they experienced some developmental delays and had such different skills. Back then, the schools did not offer much helpful support for students with autism and we were winging it. What helped was having wonderful support from family, friends, our church, teachers, even counselors. Positive support and encouragement are so important in the learning process. It is not an easy journey. You have your autistic children for life. While other children grow up and leave home to get married and such, with autistic children, you are concerned about guardianship and conservatorship, as well as trying to find a place where they will be happy to live. It’s a huge challenge, but I love them. They are God’s gift. Thank you.

Video description: Bobba is standing in front of a white background, signing her story.

Deaf Counseling Center offers national Deaf therapy services. DCC is an ASL-friendly counseling resource, offering both in-person and videophone/online/internet-based services.

Resources:

https://www.verywellhealth.com/deaf-people-with-autism-1046724

https://deafcounseling.com/recommended-films/ Gerald (2009) by Mark Wood

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