Complicated Grief after Murder of Deaf Young Man

Deaf Counseling Center’s Dr. Candace McCullough and Sharon Duchesneau share some thoughts on the complicated nature of grief after murder of Grant Whitaker by Mavrick Martin Fisher and offer support to the national Deaf community in the form of pro bono counseling sessions to those who may be directly impacted by the situation, yet lack insurance to access therapy.

Candace: Sharon and I would like to share some thoughts after this past week’s news about Grant Whitaker’s alleged murder by Mavrick Martin Fisher.

Different Grief Process

Sharon: The grief process following a death by murder is very different and more complicated than that of a death by natural causes such as a heart attack or illness.

Anger as Normal Reaction

Candace: This is because the death is caused by another person, and not simply a natural cause. Anger is a normal reaction and it is okay to feel angry. To add to the complexity, many people in the Deaf community may know one or both of the people involved. For example, we know Grant, with whom we traveled to China on a Deaf school trip with our daughter, and we all have memories of a wonderful time with him. We also know Mav, whom we met with his dad at a national Deaf Academic Bowl reception back when he was young. I’m sure that many people are impacted by this situation, including teachers, friends, and family members. The fact that Mav was well-known on a national basis for his vlogs in which he shared his dreams with the community makes this hit even closer to home for many people.

Danger of Assumptions

Sharon: The public nature of this situation adds to the complexity of grief in the community. People have been sharing their opinions, perspectives, stories, and assumptions online – and these can be difficult for family members and friends of the men to see. None of us have all the information about exactly what happened and the history behind this. Some people have shared concerns that the Deaf community should have been able to prevent this from happening somehow. Again, we can’t assume anything. It’s possible that help was offered or that Mav sought help in the past. We just don’t know, so it’s important that we be mindful of what we say in public, especially online.

Duty of Confidentiality of Professionals

Candace: It’s also interesting that if Mav did get help, those professionals are not able to say so, due to confidentiality reasons.

Sharon: I think when discussing this – of course, it’s important for us as a Deaf community to discuss how we can support people who may be dealing with difficult situations. When we say that no one helped him, however, we may be indirectly placing blame on people close to him, such as family, friends, teachers and others who were close to him and knew him well. We can’t assume they did nothing. Maybe they didn’t or maybe they did.

Deaf Mental Health Stigma

Candace: Also, it’s important to address stigma related to mental health, which is likely to be a factor here, but again, we don’t know the full story. In general, only a very, very small percentage of people dealing with mental illnesses commit crimes like murder. The majority of these people are fine and harmless – we don’t want to see the stigma about people with mental illness being blown out of proportion and spreading unnecessary fear. Let’s be careful about this.

National Legal System and Deaf People

Sharon: Yes, that’s right. Another issue that is coming up here relates to the national legal system. Now we have an alleged murder, which means we are looking at issues related to the court process, a trial, lawyers, interpreting access, fairness, individual rights – all of which are triggers for our Deaf community.

Candace: I think that Deaf people as a whole already have a difficult experience with trying navigate the legal system.

Sharon: Yes, that’s something to keep in mind with the many layers of complexity in this situation, in particular, while we are waiting for answers and things are still unknown. This makes people feel sensitive. It’s a difficult thing.

Pro Bono Deaf Counseling and Therapy Services

Candace: We’d like to offer free counseling/therapy to anyone who is directly impacted by this situation, but who may not have insurance to access counseling/therapy. Please feel free to contact us and we can discuss how we can provide support through the grief process.

Sharon: Thank you.

Candace: Good bye.

(video description: Sharon and Candace, Deaf therapists, (l-r) are seated on a sofa, signing their comments.) Deaf Counseling Center offers national Deaf therapy services.

References:

https://www.facebook.com/TheDailyMoth/videos/2205459446424784/

https://www.facebook.com/TheDailyMoth/videos/492864761281393/?v=492864761281393

https://www.facebook.com/TheDailyMoth/videos/live-mavrick-fisher-in-custody-in-mexico-for-suspected-murder-of-grant-whitakerl/293300168202592/

https://www.mercurynews.com/2019/08/27/missing-mendocino-camper-body-found-companion-arrested-in-mexico/

https://www.justice.gov/sites/default/files/usao-dc/legacy/2013/08/07/coping_after_homicide.pdf

https://victimconnect.org/learn/types-of-crime/homicide-and-grief/

https://deafcounseling.com/recommended-films/ Films on Grief/Loss

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Terrylene shares the profound grief she experienced upon her son’s death. 

For me, grief was a foreign word until it comes crashing down on my life. In human being experience and life milestones such as finding love, getting married, first day of school. Grief is part of human being milestones. Grief cannot and will not escape humanity. My world now slashed by a butcher knife, forever disfigured inside. An unknown and uninvited guest moved in with me. And her name was Grief. All my strength drained out as depression sets in. Remembering Gio, my beautiful son. I was going to go out to search for him again.
But the hands kept pushing me back from the door, I am trying to get past to the door to find him. I am looking for him. The policewoman hands kept stopping me. Then it dawned on me, I asked… Is my son. Gone to heaven? (Gesturing). Her head nodded. 
I lost it, I was gone. She kept trying to have me seat. I sat down but then I got right up. I have gone insane. My body was all over the place, leaning down then up. Pacing around non sensible, right, left, up, down, circling. Nothing made sense to me. I did nothing sensible. I was just moving, searching all around. I was looking for a way to connect with him again. Then I saw a window, searching to connect with my son, my hands called out! I kept signing. Dark grey clouds, drizzle rain that wouldn’t go away, leaves moving relentlessly in the chilly breeze. “Archangel Michael!”, my hands called out! “Why didn’t you protect my son? My daddy kneeled and prayed to you.” I saw him asking you to protect my baby son for the rest of his life. You didn’t protect him.” “Gio, where are you?” I signed nonsensibly. Suddenly, the insanity was gone. I looked around the room. There were policemen scrambling in my living room. I told them to get out of my place. I did not want my nine-year-old daughter to wake up to this and become traumatized. 

I hurriedly kicked them all out, shut the door. And the room was all quiet and empty. Time was ticking as she is about to wake. What do I tell her? Your brother has crossed over. Depression stole his life. It engulfed his mind, his body and his soul. How do I protect her from this violent news? My return to sane from insanity was due to my daughter. I am grateful to her for saving my life. In my sane, I thought, what do I do? I felt this presence settling in. Grace embraced me. I have never felt anything like that. All the help that quickly came for me. Friends and family. All the help that quickly came for me. Was I easier to help? Help my son! He needed you. He needed you the most. All my strength drained out. I was wiped out. I was forgetful. I had no memory. Shocked. I could not focus on anything. In this mindless emptiness. I remember two things that happened. A friend who took the time to put vitamin in my mouth. This simple act woke my body to healing. The light bulb went on in my wholeness system. I remembered how I always took care of myself. This self care skills were absent in my life. I realized I have fallen in deep depression. I had to do something to climb back. This was one of the first thing that flickered the “self care” back into my system. The second thing I did for myself was. When someone asked, “Is there anything I can do?” Lost in my abyss world, I would remember the day to say. “Call me on Monday.” Then the next person, “Call me on Tuesday.” Then the next person, “Call me on Wednesday.” Whomever kept their word, called me back. I would force myself to connect. I would force myself to chat. I would force myself to ask them, to take me out for coffee/tea time. Take me out for a walk. It took all of me to get up. It was a total work out to even dress up for just a small event of the day. It was tiring. Somehow over time, my life regenerated bit by bit, returning to normalcy and the society. Since grief absorbed me, living close by like a bay. When the wind come, the wave would rise. It would come and go whenever. Sometimes the wave come unexpectedly. I am forgetful all over again. I could not focus on anything. I make more mistakes. So I remember to rest, to honor myself. I pick up myself again. The cycle starts all over again from time to time. My comfort sin the knowing that I am not alone. Grief comes knocking other doors. I empathize in others’ loss and their pain. I hold compassion for us all. Thank you Deaf Counseling Center for asking me to share with you.

(video description: Terrylene is a light-skinned woman wearing a sleeveless top, standing in front of two paintings and signing.)

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Addiction Treatment Options for Deaf People: For Deaf people who are dealing with addiction (alcohol, meth, opioid, cocaine, etc.), the biggest and most common challenge, aside from asking for help, is the struggle to find accessible treatment programs where staff are fluent in ASL and knowledgeable about Deaf people and Deaf culture. With only a handful of inpatient and residential substance abuse programs available nationally, that are specifically focused on working with Deaf clients, the majority of Deaf people seeking support with addiction end up in hearing-centered programs where access is provided via interpreters.

Challenges in Treatment: In addition to Deaf patients having to deal with the mental, emotional and physical stresses that are typical aspects of the treatment and rehabilitation process, they must also deal with invisible stressors related to audism and oppression. The list of barriers to treatment for Deaf people is long and overwhelming. It can include the treatment program’s initial resistance to providing ASL interpreters; the energy and time expended on fighting for communication accessibility; having to work with counselors, social workers, psychologists and medical staff who are unfamiliar with Deaf people and who may exhibit audist behaviors toward the Deaf patient, whether intentional or not; having to live with, socialize with, and participate in group therapy and other activities with hearing patients who, like the staff, usually have no knowledge of or experience with interacting with Deaf people; constantly having to explain Deaf culture and norms to hearing clinicians, staff, and fellow patients (i.e., appropriate and inappropriate ways to get the Deaf patient’s attention, refraining from asking the Deaf patient to speak with voice); having to advocate for accommodations, including captions on videos and television and light flasher for room door; and limited options for rehabilitation support in the Deaf patient’s home community following discharge from inpatient treatment.

Ongoing Support with Recovery: Each of the challenges listed above adds additional stress to the already difficult and complicated recovery process. Dealing with the isolation of treatment can be traumatic for Deaf people whose lives may have been characterized by constant isolation if they were the only Deaf member of a non-signing hearing family or even if they came from a Deaf family but attended mainstream school programs without Deaf peers. Rehabilitation programs, while essential to recovery, can also trigger emotional wounds, making the recovery process even more complicated. To provide support, Deaf Counseling Center offers outpatient individual and family counseling with Deaf counselors and therapists who are fluent in ASL and experienced in working with Deaf clients. Please feel free to contact us at info@deafcounseling.com for more information.

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